I Was Afraid

I tried.

I tried so many times.

For three  months I tried to start again.

For the past few months, I would tell myself daily, “Today is the day I start again. I will start training. I will begin running again.”

After my last half-marathon in October, I had to break-up with running for a bit. I was beginning to hate it & my body was weak. I needed to change my daily routine. I need to get stronger.

Then I would lace up & begin. One foot in front of the other. But I always quit before the goal for the day, usually only a mile or two in.

I hated it.

Every damn step of it.

The other night, I headed out promising I would not return until I hit three miles even if I walked half of it.

Like in the past, I got lost that evening. Lost in my run. Whenever I get lost out there, I always find the answer regardless of what the question is.

The answer: I felt like a failure; I was afraid to start again.

You see, I had taken such a long break from running that I was a beginner again. I felt like two years ago when I started the spring with a 10k but ended the year with a full marathon.

Starting all over again is hard. I was mad at myself that I had quit for so long that I was back at the start working up to an easy three miles. I was afraid I could not do it again.

Yes, I know….if you did it once you can do it again. But, I’m not the same woman who laced up a pair of running shoes in 2014 & accomplished what I believed to be impossible. That girl was broken.

When I put my pieces back together, I put them back differently this time. The run doesn’t have to give me what it gave me then.

But, running has taught me so much over the years. One big thing it has taught me is to never fear a brand new starting line.

Every single time you step up to that line, you grow. You are giving yourself a chance to fail but also to win. Life is full of brand new starting lines and every time you begin there is no way of knowing if you’re gonna fall flat on your face or stand tall in victory.

I will always take the chance to stand at that line with the butterflies in my stomach, the adrenaline running through my body & the curiosity of what will happen once you cross the line.

So, maybe I do feel like a brand new runner again; maybe I do need to build back up one mile at a time. But, I am no longer afraid to start over. I don’t feel shame in beginning again.

In fact, this journey to 26.2 excites me. I wonder what I will learn about myself this time.

Until Next Time~