There was a day, many days actually, where I lived with such insecurity. I used to be so fearful; fearful of sharing my story; fearful of what others thought about me; fearful of never measuring up to the person sitting next to me.
The only cure to fear is to take action. That is the only way to get over our fears. So this is me taking action.
When I began telling my story 18 months ago, I promised to be real. To be authentic.
So…. I took a new “before” picture Monday morning for my new Facebook Accountability group beginning. This time I took it in my swim suit which does not cover up as much of me as my compression pants & sports bra.
Well, it was a time I had to be honest with myself.
I am not where I want to be.
For whatever strange reason on Monday I decided to look back at my pictures from a year ago. In my swim suit.
I sat there coming face to face with the truth because as I tell my challengers, a picture never lies.
For a minute, as I was looking my old habits started to creep back in. You know the “you’re such a failure,” voice.
Luckily, now I am smart enough to stop it & made myself do some evaluation that would actually help me.
The last year of my life….
I became single again. I worked through heartbreak. I worked through forgiveness. I worked through many dark, stormy days. I worked through the strong-willed side that wanted to stay closed off to others forever & instead learned how to allow love in again.
I worked through juggling the maintenance & the upkeep of a home on my own. I learned how to only depend on myself & juggle all the girls activities on my own. I learned how to manage to get all the daily household jobs done on top of the rest of my day. I learned how to financially support the girls & keep our home.
I fought & fought for my daughter’s health. I spent over a month out of the state for her medical needs between a handful of different trips. I made trips to the ER with her. I cared for her through two surgeries away from home & was on my own for those scary moments. I struggled being alone & caring for her with my food choices, it was whatever I could grab extremely fast or whatever would calm my fears. I cried myself to sleep for those months in between surgeries where the intensity of the hell she had to go through every night broke me in so many ways. I spent so much energy tracking every second of her life, trying to put pieces together & fighting with her doctors as I pushed knowing something was not right. I stressed over it all. I made so many trips with her to doctors & for x-rays. It was all I could think of for days straight & kept me awake at night.
I struggled with a schedule & with finding time. I had to find a way to make Laynee’s new lifestyle & nightly regimen work into our lives. I had to make adjustments in our days. I had to find a way to be the rock for both of my girls, but yet find a way to take care of myself too.
I struggled with being heartbroken when I realized there was no way I could train for another full marathon & had to close down that goal. I struggled finding that balance. I struggled finding my program. I struggled with keeping myself a priority because I was trying to help so many others.
I struggled with my old habits creeping back in. I struggled going back to using food as comfort; as my drug to take the edge off, the stress away or to help me forget about the feelings I was struggling with. I found myself in moments fighting the old Krisha.
At the beginning of those 18 months, I struggled even eating; I would not eat. I was dealing with so much inside that I was not hungry & ignored the fact my body needed fuel.
Yes, all this & I still stand here & tell you I am a health + fitness coach, even though I am not where I want to be, even though I traveled backwards.
Why? Why do I share this? Because I know I am not alone. I know you are there too & if you are not right now, you’ve been standing here in this same spot.
When I evaluated all the life that happened, big life, in the past year I realize how much I had happening, how much I traveled through, how many pages I wrote, how many tears I shed, how many memories I left in the past.
But, I also see how much I grew, I see how much I gained, I see how much I loved & I see all the dreams I have for my future.
So, here I am, coming clean & admitting that I have traveled backwards. But, I am also standing here & telling you I won’t sit here & beat myself up over it. I won’t tell myself I’m a failure. I won’t tell myself I’m ugly or rip apart my body. I won’t tell myself I can’t do it again or why bother trying.
I will tell you that I am moving forward to where I want to be. I have grown & have learned so much in the past year that is going to help fuel me forward. I have educated myself daily on nutrition, exercise, and on how to be the best me & I am ready to put this all into action.
I will tell you I started fresh on Monday. I will tell you where I am going is to a healthier + happier *k* every single day.
Also, I am taking you with me. Are you ready? I don’t want to do this alone!
Until Next Time~
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