Maybe You Don’t Know

Hitting publish on this blog post has me literally sick to my stomach. For days I have been writing this post in my mind, random thoughts & notes scribbled here and there.

Saturday evening while out, my best friend & I began talking about transformation pictures. Well, I have this one that I have never shared….

It is me with both of my daughters when my youngest was two weeks old; over seven & a half years ago. It was taken for use as my starting picture as it was that day I had walked into Weight Watchers. The woman in the picture wants to hide, she is trying to cover herself up with her children. Can you see that?

I have it saved on  my phone & glance at it from time to time.

When I pulled it up Saturday night not one person I was with knew it was me.

It dawned on me that I have hid part of my story. The true beginning. The part I would like to have buried away.

It made me realize maybe many don’t know where I really started. Maybe you don’t know how hard it was for me to take that first step that felt like the hardest step of my life. Maybe you don’t know I once stood where you might be standing right now.

Please notice how I am hiding behind the girls in every shot or hiding in sweatshirts & in jeans in summer!

I remember that day when I read my starting weight being just barely under 200 pounds I wanted to cry, I wanted to hide. I kind of just wanted to run out the door because a big part of me thought I was just starting a journey that was hopeless.

That new mom of two beautiful girls could not have told you anything she liked about herself. She was so tired & lazy; she abused the heck out of her body & treated it like dirt. She was so embarrassed for letting herself go the way she had; she felt like a failure.

Maybe you don’t know that I spent the first 33 years of my life sweating in jeans in 90 degree summer weather because I would not wear shorts. I was so self-conscious that all I wanted to do was stay hidden.

Maybe you don’t know that you would rarely see me with a swimsuit on for so many years & by chance if I had a suit on, you better believe I did not take my cover-up off.

Maybe you don’t know the girl that was once a solid athlete struggled to walk a mile at one point. Maybe you don’t know that I slowly worked up to being able to run a mile without stopping. I would do maybe a tenth of a mile run and then a walk break, then a little run again, and then a walk break.

Maybe you don’t know I wore big baggy workout pants & tops. Maybe you don’t know I said I could never ever wear compression or running pants.

Maybe you don’t know I was shopping in the plus section.

Maybe you don’t know that I would get on the scale & cry; I would look in the mirror & cry.

Maybe you don’t know that I could shove food in my mouth so fast & in such volume as I turned to food like a drug; hoping that drug would bury how I felt.

Maybe you don’t know how I felt the day my doctor looked at me and told me I was obese and needed to do something.

Maybe all you see is the person I am today. The one that shows her physical progress & wears compression pants & tight tank tops to work out.

Maybe all you see is the woman who has ran a handful of half-marathons & even a full-marathon not knowing she once struggled to walk a mile, let alone run one.

Maybe all you can see now is the woman who loves herself & cannot imagine the person who used to tear herself up & down & hated everything about herself.

Maybe you see someone who takes pictures all the time never realizing there are many years where you cannot find a single picture of me & if you find one, you better believe I am trying to be hidden behind someone or something; like the ones above.

My story has been a journey with many hills; times I might have been able to coast downhill but the uphill battle made me almost want to quit. There were times I fell off the wagon & definitely times I failed at some goals. There were times I wanted to quit completely. There were times I did not think I would ever get to a place where I felt good about myself, let alone a place where I felt truly happy with myself.

So, when you see me I hope you see all of me. I don’t want to keep the beginning buried anymore. I hope you see the woman who started way back there. I hope you see that there have been struggles, failures, tears & a lot of fear. I hope you truly see a woman who started & has not quit. A woman who knows her body & health is a gift from God & it should be treated as that. I hope you see a woman who values herself. I hope you see a woman who has had to work hard; there is no easy, quick fix to healthy.

But, what I truly hope is that if you are standing where I was seven years ago that you see what is possible. I hope you see that maybe there is fear in my eyes, but in my heart was courage & determination. I hope you see that with hard work, passion and accountability can change your life.

I hope you see it is possible. I hope you see it is necessary.

Because it is. Am I at the smallest I have been in recent years? No, I’m not. But I am at my healthiest. I am a healthy weight, my body is strong, my body is active, I can operate through my long days with energy, I have a positive relationship with food and dang it, I feel amazing & dang proud.

I look back to remind myself of how far I have come. So I can see the growth I have had, the scale victories but also the non-scale wins too.

My hope for you is that you start now. Begin your journey now, do not waste another day feeling the way I once did. You cannot wish for this to happen, you have to get up & take that first step. You are worth it.

Until Next Time~