In Control.

I have always been a pretty stubborn person. My parents would tell you I came into the world that way and have never changed. Stubborn, strong-willed, independent, and never afraid.

I really did not realize how much I was letting fear control me until last week. Even now, I struggle to wrap my head around it.

I told my therapist last week about how afraid I was to say that things were going well post-surgery because in the past two years it always seemed that if I said I had a good day or was seeing an improvement to anyone, the next day the pain would escalate quickly. It was like I was always jinxing myself.

I was living afraid every day, every hour actually, of a flare up or even just an increase in symptoms. I played a game every day: how much can I do BEFORE it increases?

She asked this scenario last week: if I was told that over the next three years I would only have ten days total where my pain would be a two or lower, how would I spend those ten days?

“I’d live them up,” is what I said.

But we knew in reality, I would LIKE to live them up; that the Krisha I was trying so hard to find my way back to would have gone 100 mph every minute of those ten days. However, deep down I knew I would have still struggled in fear.

I walked out of my appointment that day declaring that the fear of living with CRPS and its unpredictable symptoms was not going to control me or my life anymore. I decided I would CELEBRATE any of the good days I had, or even just the hours.

You know this weekend we were shopping and once I looked back at my husband and joked, “ya can’t keep up with me anymore, can you? Am I walking too fast?!!” I smiled. It was a major win.

Sure, later he saw my limp coming on and my speed slowing down just before I looked at him and told him it was time to go home.

One month out from my DRG Stimulator revision and things are going well. However, we still need to have it all heal inside my body and not move like it did last time on me. My back truly feels so much better without the battery flipping around and the incision has healed wonderfully. I have hours where my pain is significantly lower than I have felt in so long. But, I also have moments where it comes on strong. I still cannot handle air touching my foot so I’m still sporting my big fat white socks for bed {someday I hope I can throw them away}.

Even though I still have moments where the pain takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks, I am so beyond grateful for the moments I can walk without thinking about it or feeling the intense pain. I’m grateful for being able to put a few different shoes on my feet instead of boring tennis shoes daily. I’m grateful for the moments where I can sit in peace and relax without feeling a fire in my foot or the stabbing. I’m very grateful for not having a night of crying + screaming into my pillow wondering if the pain would ever let me sleep.

Every day I am working hard at focusing on the positives and just accepting the moments that are hard for what they are. I’m not perfect, I have not dealt with my pain perfectly, I have struggled but I am fighting my way back to me again.

Until Next Time~