Trying.

I kept trying. Really, I did.

But that pit in my stomach. It was real. It was intense.

The long list of thoughts running through my mind. Fast.

I had my per-surgical appointment this afternoon with my neurosurgeon.

The other day I had to go for an x-ray for her to see the current status of my leads & battery prior to surgery. The report posted online pretty much said my back was a hot mess.

I drove there today feeling sick to my stomach.

Stay in the present moment, Krisha. Long, deep, slow breaths.

Nope, I think I’m going to get sick.

Let me just crawl inside my bed & curl up.

Yes, I am trying hard to stay in the present moment & not allow the anxiety & fear I have about my upcoming surgery eat me alive.

Not knowing what will come of my surgery makes me extremely anxious: do I wake up & find out the DRG was able to be revised & believe this time it will work. OR. do I wake up & find it could not be, scratch that off my list & go back to the drawing board. If I’m being honest, the drawing board is very empty as options are limited with CRPS.

Then, you have part of me at war with the other part: I’m hopeful, I really am….versus….why would you get your hopes up again? How many times have you been hopeful just to have the wind taken right out of you?

Inside my head is a constant war.

But, I am fighting that war as hard as I can.

Anyway, my neurosurgeon said I was pretty unique today. Are any of you surprised? Typically when leads move, they go backwards; however, mine actually moved forward. Always have to try my best to be a little different than everyone else, right?

So, for now, I am here fighting the war inside my head. Trying to remember what I have been working on in my therapy sessions. I am trying to truly believe that if the DRG is right for me, she will be able to revise it.

It’s just so much easier said than done.

Until Next Time~