Which Way?

So much to think about. So much to consider. No promises. No guarantees. So many risks.

I just want to know what is the best I will ever feel again? How can I get there? What am I fighting for? Do I have a chance to ever find myself in remission? Will I ever get to a place where I live with pain only 1-3 on the pain scale?

Which direction do I go next? How do I know what way is the right way?

What if I choose wrong?

What if it makes me worse?

What if it spreads?

What if I end up with completely new problems?

Yes, the other part of me is saying, “but it could work. It could be right.”

But, the negative questions are heavier. I went into an operating room to have my foot reconstructed because I was unable to walk without pain & ended up with a disease of my nervous system that has no cure & is ranked as the highest type of chronic pain that exists. It is a pain that I would not wish on any person. It is a pain that is completely unimaginable.

Having something with no cure that has significantly changed your life is hard to navigate. You grieve. You grieve your old life; who you once were. She is gone.

You try all the things, all the meds, all the procedures that doctors tell you “might” help. Time after time, you get your hopes up. You pray. You stay positive. Until you realize, “it” didn’t work again.

You travel day in & day out staying as hopeful & as positive as you can be all while you are feeling it spread & cover more space.

You wish for things you once took completely for granted; that healthy people never think twice about but now would be huge wins for you.

You get dressed & wish you could stick your foot inside any shoe. Most days you find you have zero options as only your “safest” pair will work.

You want to crawl into bed without a sock on your foot. You want to take a shower without feeling like the water is fire.

You had dreamt about getting in a pool with your kids this summer or even being able to put your feet in the sand on a beach.

Right now, I am standing still afraid to take another step. I do not know which way to go. I am fearful of so many outcomes.

However, I also know, just standing here is only worsening my symptoms every day. Yesterday, I could barely get my shoe on first thing in the morning. Yesterday, I could not fully fulfill my volunteer duties for 45 elementary girls; something that fills my heart with joy which I need. Yesterday, I sat in my car for 20 minutes unable to stop crying.

I cried because of physical pain. I cried because of the way physical pain wears you down emotionally & mentally. I cried because I hate all the options. I cried because there is no real answer. I cried because I am stressed about making a choice.

I cried because this is hard.

Today, I still have no more answers than yesterday. Today, I am still fearful. Today, I am still in pain.

I wish there was a road where promises for relief were greater than what I am given. No one really knows. Treating CRPS is a mystery that is yet to be solved.

I am not sure what the next step will be once I am finally ready to move again. I know there is a chance that I will choose wrong. I know no matter what road I go down, it will be full of many struggles; I will have to walk through some hell.

All I can really do is stay hopeful that once I get passed the initial struggles, I might find some relief this time. Even just a little.

If not, I will be right back here. Again.

Until Next Time~