Choose.

Been awhile, I know. I have tried to write many times but cannot ever get the thoughts swimming around inside my head to turn into sentences.

Truth: I have been trying so dang hard to hide from the truth.

I kept trying to ignore it for a while. I kept telling myself it was not real. I tried so hard to convince myself and to believe that tomorrow will be better.

I finally had to admit my fear to my husband and eventually shared that with my bestie too.

Living with a disease that doctors cannot understand causes a lot of emotions. I could let fear take over my life very easily. I am absolutely fearful of what could happen with my CRPS and my body.

I try so hard to not allow the fear to win. I tell myself it is my choice to decide how I feel each day and I fight hard to choose to be positive and hopeful and optimistic and way stronger than CRPS.

The truth is that I’m wearing this back belt to try to keep my battery from moving to see if we can scar it into place but no progress has yet to be made. When I try to turn up my DRG Stimulator, I’m not getting any relief in my foot and instead am feeling the serious back pain / pull and a lot of stimulation shooting down my entire left side from my hip through my thigh.

But more than that, it has spread. My CRPS once was only felt in the middle part of my foot.

Now I feel the burning in my toes. I feel the burning on the bottom of my foot. I feel it in my heel. I feel it in every inch of my foot. But, it also runs all the way up through my ankle.

The added places of pain and swelling have changed the way I walk, the shoes I wear, the way I stand even.

After a very long week filled with nights of crying in pain and frustration my flare up is trying to beat me down.

But, I am going to remember it is my choice; I get to choose how my attitude will handle this journey ahead of me. I will not deny I have my moments where fear overtakes me and the tears and screams come flying out.

However, I am standing strong to choose to stand positive, to believe there are much better days ahead, to focus on how much I’m loved and how grateful I am for so much in my life. I will always believe I am stronger than CRPS and my determination will carry me through.

What do you choose to believe today?

Until Next Time~