I Was

Since the day that pain took over my life, I have had to give up so many things that gave me joy.

Yesterday if you saw me during the day, I was full of joy. It was the start of a season in doing something that gives me so much joy, fills my heart, and gives me so many smiles and hugs.

By 4:00, my joy was being taken over.

I could feel it start to come on strong. I am not sure if it was because of the overwhelming feeling of getting this season ready for day one and the stress that came along with it (yes, stress makes your nervous system go crazy), the weather or some other crazy thing.

Hours later, I screamed and cried as my husband tried to help put on some of my special lidocaine cream on my foot.

My night ended snuggled into my husband as he held me tight as my body spasms, my mouth suddenly screams or yells “ouch” and my puddle of tears had his pillowcase wet.

In those moments, I will admit, I begin to feel hopeless; hopeless that this disease will always be haunting me. But, as I laid there, I knew my husband was feeling incredibly helpless and I wondered if that felt even worse than my hopelessness.

Eventually, I fought hard to control myself as I laid there praying for him to fall asleep knowing there was nothing he could do to help me and hating how this disease affects those I love the most.

If you saw me yesterday, I looked full of joy, energy and light. But, with an illness like this, sometimes how we start our day is not the way we end it.

Sometimes, you have no idea how large the mountain may be for some to climb just so they can still try to participate in adventures that bring them joy.

Until Next Time~