Waiting.

Sometimes in life it seems we can take a long time to figure something out. I mean, does it really take us that long? To learn whatever we need to learn?

Or perhaps is it more that it takes a while to find ourselves? Maybe it’s not the lesson but maybe we need to dig ourselves out of that place?

Either way, here I stand.

I realized this weekend that I have spent the past 15 months living life on pause. Actually, I haven’t even been living. I have been spinning in a circle focused solely on survival.

Since being diagnosed with CRPS, I have sat here waiting; just waiting. I have been waiting for the next higher dose of meds to work. I have waited for the next injection. I have waited for my stimulator trial. Then, I waited for my permanent stimulator.

Now, four months out from that surgery and I’m still waiting.

I’m waiting for that to start to work (currently turned off once again). I’m waiting to get off my restrictions.

Waiting.

What I’m really waiting for is a cure.

But here is the thing: there may never be a cure for this disease that no one can really understand and if some day they find one, it may not be in my lifetime.

I cannot stay stuck here wasting my life just waiting.

I vowed to myself this weekend to learn how to live my life with CRPS. Like really live my life as fully as I can.

To do this, it means letting go of so much and learning to accept so much and redefining a bit on what my life and my future will be like.

The only thing I do know, is it begins with fighting for every single step every day. I want full mobility in my foot and that is worth the battle of movement.

Until Next Time~