I have always been one that has struggled with being insecure; feeling like I will never measure up. Lately, I have noticed how much I think of myself as being weak, probably because, weak is how I feel.
I am on day five. Day five of no DRG Stimulator & I shared with you last week that I was absolutely terrified about this week. I am going day in, day out, just being in survival mode. If you see me, chances are good that it will look like I have “resting b*itch face” but really, it’s just my pain face so do not take it personally! My hair is undone; a little makeup on my face; dressed in a sweatshirt.
For the big question that I have had asked many times this week: what is CRPS like without prescription meds? Am I still off of them?
The temptation to open the bottle is there, I will not for one second lie to you about that. But, I have not even picked up a bottle. No touches.
As far as my pain, there is no difference between my CRPS pain when I was on my meds & now that I am not. However, I can tell an increase with some of my other symptoms {skin feeling like ants are crawling, body temperature, joint stiffness, muscle spasms, skin color}.
But, overall, for the first time in a year, I no longer feel like I am a walking zombie without a brain as I did while taking my meds. I completely agree that for some cases & some people, prescription meds are a must. My daughters are on some for various reasons. However, it was not the best road for me & I do not feel the outcome of taking them outweighed the risk of being on these meds long-term; possibly for life. The side effects I experienced were far too much.
I feared I was not strong enough for another battle this week. Yes, I found myself very weak at different times. The last few nights I literally would wake up screaming multiple times as it truly felt as if someone had stuck a knife in my foot. There were often tears before I found myself asleep again.
But, every morning I got out of bed & did what I needed to do. At times, I had to stop, close my eyes & breath deeply focusing on all the good stuff in my life. I became amazed at myself.
I realized this week how much stronger I am; how much more I understand about life. I found myself using various techniques to get through really difficult moments that I had been unaware of doing previously.
Sometimes feeling like you are just stuck in “survival mode” is okay; sometimes you learn more about yourself from being there than you expect.
One more day ahead of me before we can turn my stimulator back on; three more months of very tough restrictions in hopes my battery settles into my body; every day approached feeling very grateful for this life.
Until Next Time~
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