Not Me.

I want to be her. So badly.

But, I guess, I cannot be.

She was so driven.

So motivated.

But, she’s not me.

Anymore.

I want to be the her that woke up and tackled miles. She was always pushing herself, competing with the person she was the day before.

She was strong. Physically, but more importantly, mentally.

There was this positive light within her that truly believed she could tackle any challenge that showed up.

I keep trying. I have to admit that I keep thinking I can chase after her.

I would not say out loud that a goal I had in my mind for this year was to be able to run a 5k. No matter how slow, no matter how much walking or running there was.

But, I would not write that goal down or say it because so much of me knew it was probably more like a dream than a goal that could be accomplished.

Tonight I realized, truly, that I have to stop chasing that woman. I loved her; I loved who I was when I was her.

But, I am seeing that I cannot be her. Anymore. I do not know who I am or where I will ever be able to go from here.

My hope is that I can rise above. My hope is that CRPS does not define my life; I want to define my life. I want to be stronger than it every single day.

So for now, I am going to try my best to stop chasing someone I can no longer be and see who I am today or who I could become tomorrow.

Until Next Time~