I lost my crap. I did.
I am a giver. I am an independent stubborn woman who every single day wakes up with the intention of being a great wife & mom. I am a lover & I love big. I show that love by taking care of my people.
This week it has hit me hard. Like, I think I ran into a brick wall at full speed.
I no longer know how to balance this life. I used to be EXCELLENT at balancing all the things & that included, very much so, taking care of ME too. I was not forgotten. I made time in the day just for me, I worked out, I knew what “self-care” meant.
Now, I have CRPS {Complex Regional Pain Syndrome} & I’m not the same person. In fact, I really have no idea how to take care of me anymore.
The other day my husband said, “take care of you,” & it hit me. How do I?
Every morning, I stumble out of bed after shutting off my alarm & oversleeping. My foot hits the floor & instantly I want to scream but I know that I have to keep moving. I take off the big bulky sock I have to wear to bed being that I cannot handle the air touching my foot to see that the color of my foot is still abnormal & the swelling did not go down at all overnight.
Somehow or another, I pull myself together to help my girls get ready & we leave the house in a hustle. I carry on at work & then run my girls all over in the evenings or catching every athletic meet or game all with a smile. We walk in the door in the evening & the kitchen is calling my name. There is food to make or prep, lunches to be packed, dishes to clean & then homework to assist with.
By the time I get my shoes off & my foot up it is too late in the evening. Now, my foot is huge, funky colors & the pain level is out of this world. That is when the sleepless night begins.
As a matter of fact, the last three nights I have cried myself to sleep due to pain.
Can I be honest? I was not only crying due to the pain. But, due to fear. I finally got the courage to say it out loud last night to my husband, “the pain is spreading.”
That was horribly difficult to say to you all. Fear.
Yes, CRPS can spread anywhere & for some people it spreads everywhere. For me, I have been pretty lucky that it was just in my foot & not always felt in the entire foot.
However, I now feel it throughout my entire foot & my calf. I try so hard to not walk with a limp as I know that is terrible for the rest of my body but the calf pain is making this harder yet. The muscle spasms have increased significantly also recently.
I am clearly not a doctor so how the sympathetic nervous system relates to the brain is so far over my head but I do know that because of all this insomnia, agitation, depression & irritability are extremely common in CRPS patients.
That was me last night. I lashed out. At my daughters. I was so far past exhausted & in pain so great that I wanted to have my face hidden in a pillow screaming. In the conversation, however, I did explain to them how mom was struggling right now with her CRPS & that I just needed a little grace. I told them that I give well over 100 percent to be everywhere & be everything they needed & I now needed some respect from them to help me a little.
Yesterday, my mood suffered. I felt all those things above in such a strong way.
Yes, I did still make my list of ten things I was grateful for but I cannot deny my pain was winning. Without that list, the day would have been so much more difficult to make it through.
Today, I sit here wondering how & what self-care looks like for me. I love taking care of everyone, I love being the crazy full-time working sports mom who people always wonder how she does it all.
I struggle to admit my weaknesses now, I hate saying, “I need help.” I feel, truly, like I have lost so much of ME & I am still working through all that.
I am going to sit with these feelings I have right now. I am going to navigate through them. The fear I feel is real; the uncertainty & the difficulties ahead are there.
However, I do know that this season is going to lead me, lead us, to wonderful things. My husband has shoulder surgery next week & the roles will flip as he becomes the patient. In just twenty-nine days I go in for a surgery that will hopefully change my life.
Until then, I am going to try to find a better balance & a little self-care somewhere in all of this, in this crazy season & try to discover a few more pieces of me.
This season will take me places.
{But, now I will probably sit a bit in a vulnerability hangover as admitting I’m afraid is so hard for me.}
This is life with chronic pain; this is what it’s like for those that try our best to fight through our days.
Until Next Time~
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