In The…

I forgot. In that moment, I forgot that I have been sitting here before. Feeling this way. Sitting right in the middle….

I sat there feeling completely overwhelmed…not really sure I could handle much more. This house that I have to spend my life in feels almost as if the walls are crumbling and there is nothing strong & sturdy left.

Later I was reflecting on life & all that comes with it as I laid in pain with tears rolling down my cheeks, I have been in a place like this before. I remember feeling like I was out in the middle of the ocean & I could see the shoreline but I felt too exhausted to keep swimming. I was bobbing up & down the water line before I suddenly remembered…

I am here again in the middle. In the mess. In the storm.

The problem with the middle is you really have no idea how long it might last, you cannot see how soon before the storm will let up or pass all together. But, the middle is where you grow.

You can never skip the middle, the storm. That is the moment you get to be your own hero. That is when you must rely on your faith to carry you when you cannot see ahead of you.

I am in the middle. My body is sick, my home is sick. I cannot say the words, “I’m sick” because….well, it’s just my body. I’m strong & stubborn as can be. The list of symptoms I am experiencing in a day would shock most but I carry on with a smile. I have too many meds that I hate & cannot wait for the day I no longer carry multiple pill bottles in my purse.

Next week I get to have back to back days of sedation. The first day I get to have a scope….oh happy day….not. The second day is my first of two injections that my pain specialist is hoping will give me a little temporary relief while I wait until my surgery for my permanent DRG stimulator.

So, right now, I am stuck in the middle with my surgery date being the rainbow that follows the storm. The other day, I became full of fear that I was focusing so much on my stimulator being the answer and what if? What if the permanent one doesn’t work? What if it doesn’t give me any relief? What if…what if…what if?

Then, I remembered when you are in the middle, you must have faith over fear. No, I cannot see the answer(s) ahead, I have no idea what could happen next but I know that I have to have faith. I have to believe that all I am traveling through right now is helping me grow into the person I need to be, that He intended me to be, on whatever comes after this storm.

So, I will keep swimming in the middle of the ocean. I will hold up the walls on this body, this home, of mine from the inside. I will keep faith above my fears and you should know, when I come through the middle {the mess} my smile will still be there but I won’t be the same person. I will have grown even more into the person I was meant to be.

Now for some self-care Friday lunch hour edition. Nails + Starbucks was so needed.

Also….day two hair is perfect for Fridays!

Until Next Time~