Last weekend I had one of those moments. Those moments that make you really think & have an honest conversation with yourself. The ones you call yourself out or the ones you say I no longer care.
I have always been such a great “hider.” I can hide any emotion and wear a smile. Always.
But, right now, I need to tell you that every thing I do during my day is done in great pain. When I shower, when I get ready, when I make food, when I do laundry, when I clean the kitchen, when I run my kids to their practices…
I have come to the realization that I can no longer try to meet everyone’s expectations. When I am standing there talking to you wearing a smile, behind that smile, I am hurting.
I am no longer the social butterfly who has “FOMO,” I am no longer the mom that can go all day long between working & running her kids. I cannot be the “super mom” & I certainly cannot be the “super sports mom,” I mean, please just sign me up to bring chips!
In all of this, I also realized how much I fight through the pain for everyone around me, except when it comes to something for me. But why is that? Don’t I deserve that “time” or deserve something that makes me feel better?
I went to the gym this week committed to pushing through my pain to work up a sweat. If I can push through the laundry or the errand running for my family, then I can do this for ME. My focus….knowing that IF I can lose some weight and gain some strength, it will only make my next surgery recovery maybe a little easier. So much of the weight issue is prescription medicine based, but I can fight like hell. Really, the fact that I am able to move, no matter the pain, is a blessing that I am so grateful for. But, I still will tell you what a workout does for me mentally is huge! I deserve that. I deserve to fight for me to get something that does make me feel better in different ways.
Also… really who cares that this shirt used to have “room” when I wore it and now it clearly does not. I am learning that this body of mine is doing all it can every day and is, by far, stronger than I ever realize.
I am learning every day, I am learning how to live my life the best I can despite having this horrible disease of CRPS. I am learning that I no longer care if you see me smiling and walking and expect me to be a super woman who can do everything a normal person can. I hurt, I have just learned to hide it well. I am learning my boundaries and refuse to go past them.
But, starting each morning with a grateful heart, helps me to smile. Every. Single. Day. I may live life with a painful disease, but I am so beyond blessed. 
Until Next Time~
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