A Light?

“You never know who needs your light,” she responded.

True. I have told so many people that over the years & now it was being put back on myself. But, what about when your light feels like it is non-stop flickering?

Like the bulb is kind of burnt out but there is just a little bit of life left in it.

You don’t change it yet, right? I mean depending on what light bulbs you purchase at the store, those things can cost some cash.

This is how I feel. I wake up some days & feel like I am fairly full of light, but as the day goes on my light gets dimmer. However, some days {like this morning} I wake up feeling as if the bulb is pretty much out; no light left inside to shine.

Last night I tossed and turned and cried in pain. I cried in frustration. I cried in hopelessness. I laid there while my foot had muscle spasms on and off for hours on top of the nerve pain. I wanted to scream into my pillow as I realized I no longer can deny the fact that the main spot of my nerve pain in my foot is definitely spreading.

However, this morning I went on with life. I got my daughters to school, I got myself to work….but I will say the brain fog I battle and the lack of concentration due to pain made the minutes at work crawl by. I left there to go to a practice where 40 some girls filled my heart with joy and I was able to give them some love.

But, I cried all day. I felt burnt out, like the light was gone but I realize now it really never does get as dim as I think it does.

I can tell you it does flicker. It flickers in the moments where I battle the depressing thoughts. It flickers when it hurts so much to take a few steps. It flickers when I think about how I am unable to do some things the way I love to, such as coaching youth activities. It flickers when the swelling is uncontrollable, or the wide range of my body temperature, the side effects of prescription drugs, the sleepless nights…blah, blah, blah.

It flickers when the monster inside fights to take over my body.

But, the real me….the one that feels buried inside some days, keeps fighting that monster despite the punches it throws my way.

I’m not losing my light; I just have to keep fighting to make the flickers happen a little less and keep my eyes on the glimmer when I find myself in the darkest of moments.

The key: don’t hate your pain more than you love your life.

Until Next Time~