I Got Up

In the past twenty-four hours if I was the type of person to get knocked down easily I would be down. It has been a time span of such heartbreak. I have gone through every emotion possible and I sit here now in my space looking out just before dark at the most beautiful and inspiring view there are tears strolling down my face.

Yesterday morning I found out I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). There is no cure for it and no real explanation as to why people get it. It can happen after any kind of injury, such as a sprain, or after any major trauma, such as surgery. It is a disease of the nervous system and is causing a wide range of issues inside my body.

The constant pain lingers all day & night. At times I can simply breathe through it, other times it hits me & I struggle to breathe while other times you can find me in total tears & screams. It is causing major swelling in my foot; like crazy. It is causing circulation issues causing my skin to turn a red/purple color. It is causing problems with coordinating muscle movement making any small movement with my foot pretty much impossible. My skin on my foot is incredibly sensitive. I cannot stand to have my sock off and have the air hit it; any touch on it makes me jump. Now I am to the point where having my sock on it is really starting to bother me but that struggle is better than the air. Oh & sleep….if I get three hours a night I am a truly happy woman.

Today I had my first physical therapy appointment. If I was to be totally honest with you I would tell you it was completely heartbreaking. My therapist, which I really like, told me that CRPS is no joke; that really it is hell. The patient before me also had it which he said was very rare to have two patients with it.

He worked on my foot, mobility especially. There is zero. It is not good. He told me right now my outlook, not counting in the CRPS, is not looking bright because I have no mobility. Sure, he said this to scare me into doing my homework but the reality is that he is right. My foot has no bend; no movement & there is no way I’ll be walking unless I fix this.

I was supposed to also have pool therapy but both of my therapists decided it was not worth the risk due to the pressure sore on my heel still with its open gash. The risk for infection is too great & we all decided that was the last thing I needed.

At the end, I met the other patient with CRPS. She has been fighting this since the 1990s after having knee surgery. She shared with me her journey; she told me what to expect. She sincerely told me she was so sorry that I had it as it is a hard life to live. It was truly a heartbreaking conversation.

I understand that the reality of any prognosis should be truthful. If I was the type to just lay down and accept defeat you better believe that is where I would be.

Down. Defeated. The end.

But I have never been one to not fight like hell at any challenge I have faced. I realize this challenge is way bigger than any I have faced & I understand that a lot of this challenge is out of my control. However, I will not lie down.

My therapist told me the best way to fight CRPS is to piss the nerves off. Well, it is a darn good thing that I am good at pissing people/things off.

I sat here again in my silence this evening with tears rolling down my face & was feeling a bit sorry for myself & pissed off at this disease. If anything right now I just feel it’s isolation for the past eight weeks, the hours I have spent sitting alone at home when an introvert has certainly never been my thing!

In that moment, I realized I am better than that. I’m a fighter damn it & I will not lie down & accept the defeat that everyone seems to lay at my feet. So, in that moment I started my homework from PT. I dropped many word bombs, I had tears, I had frustration at what was so dang hard & I wanted to rip my skin off while rubbing it with silk to desensitize. But, I finished.

Last week my surgeon told me that TODAY was the day I could walk a little. Not with crutches, just my walking boot. I was to walk just a little bit & then increase my walking daily. Well, the problem with this is that due to the sensitivity I cannot even handle having my walking boot on for a minute without screaming.

Well, let’s piss off those nerves a little more I thought. You cannot keep this woman down for long & it was time. I put on my boot and I picked up my crutches due to the lack of mobility in my foot I knew I would need the assistance.

I walked a few steps.

Just a few. A few with assistance. But, the point is that I got up to fight. I realize this road will be hell & I realize that there is a chance that none of this will help me at all; that happens for some. But, I also know there is no way that I won’t give it my all so in the end I know I tried with everything I had.

Challenges have never scared me; they excite me. This one scares me to my core. I know this one will test everything I have; I know this one will have me crying daily; I know this one will have days where I can barely move at all. But every chance I am given to fight, I will fight & not lose hope that I will improve. I will not give up that tomorrow will be better.

Until Next Time~