Change Your Damn Pants

It was like I woke up that way; like they were just there ready to fall. I knew this would be a difficult journey, but I will admit I was not mentally prepared for it all.

The night before had started this feeling. It was one of those moments that you find yourself in a place where you have zero power to change it.

So I spent Saturday hiding. Hiding from text messages, hiding from social media and even hiding my face.

The tears just fell. On and off. All day.

I have always been a very strong independent person. I have always been one that does not “need” others. If I need you, it is because I have chosen to. I do not ask for help, I like to just do things myself.

Suddenly, here I lay not even knowing who I actually am anymore. This person is not me at all. I have to rely on others for everything; for myself and for my daughters. I needed rides every place I needed to travel to. The groceries that I cannot run out to get, the sports practices, the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking.

Every damn thing I do in a day felt so unbelievably hard and would frustrate me. There was no simplicity in my day; no luxury of being able to just go through the motions. Every movement I made had to be planned out, thought upon, or have assistance.

The simple act of getting up to use the restroom took so much out of me. Getting dressed in the morning made me want to just go back to bed. Let’s not even talk about how exhausting taking a shower is; and yes this includes sitting on a shower stool the entire time.

I was not prepared to need so much help that you feel like you have zero independence. I did not fully realize how hard it would be to do simple things.

I truly was not prepared for the amount of pain this would cause. I have felt pain in my life many different times & from many different ways from being a stubborn athlete who never allowed injuries to sideline her, to a mom giving birth, to shoulder surgery, to training for & completing a marathon through many injuries {truly one of the hardest things ever in my life} to the present.

This hurts. Non-stop.

Friday night I found myself laying in bed with tears flying out of my eyes literally praying out loud to be able to just sleep. I was past the point of exhaustion: physically, mentally & emotionally.

Saturday began with me immediately having to cause my guy to completely change his plans because I needed him. Because I needed him to drive me to the doctor’s office. Because my phone didn’t work & we had to go to the store to get that fixed. Because I needed his help getting ready. Because I needed him to run downstairs to grab the few clean clothes I can wear. Because I needed his help getting my knee walker back downstairs. Because I needed help grabbing food. Because I needed help…..

Feeling helpless like this is so difficult. You feel like such a burden. I felt like for the past three weeks EVERY person in my life had been inconvenienced by my surgery. My daughters were so far off of a normal schedule that I wondered how long before they unraveled.

I just cried. I cried all day Saturday. I looked out the window in the dark pretending to be searching for Christmas lights as I hid the tears running down my checks. It was hard to put into words the way I was feeling & I knew it would be hard to understand how I felt without feeling this way.

In the middle of the night Saturday as I had moved back to the couch in hopes I could fall asleep there, I admired our beautiful Christmas tree in the corner standing there still untouched. Yes, this was the tree that I rode around in my car while my entire family was walking around looking for trees & spotted one for us. It was not the tree that I explored searching for with my daughters.  I wondered if this would be the year it would be just a natural tree. I thought about all the things I could not do during my favorite time of year, I thought about how different this holiday was going to be and the questions of how I will even get certain things done at all.

I watched the hours go by on my phone screen that night {1:00, 1:25, 2:03; 2:33; 3:08….} once again laying awake due to the pain just praying for a little bit of relief.

Eventually, Sunday morning came. I woke up in an empty quite house feeling a little refreshed after getting about two straight hours of sleep before the pain woke me up again. I looked over at the Christmas tree again & decided when I got off the couch that I would change my damn pants.

I was going to put on my positive pants & throw away the negative dark ones. But here is the thing, I had to wear that other pair for a day.

I fully know & remind myself that my current situation is temporary. Down the road, there will be a day I can walk again with no crutches or walking boot. I can only hope & pray that the day will come that I will not feel daily pain as that is a guarantee that cannot be given & a risk I had to take. I know there are others out there that might not be able to say this & my heart breaks for them in a much deeper way now.

But, I also believe that we need to allow ourselves to feel what it is we truly feel. If I had not allowed myself to take a day to just let my frustrations flow out of my eyes, because someone else is worse off {even though there are millions that are better} than I would be burying my feelings & from personal experience, I have learned this is not the way to live your life.

We should be able to feel the way we feel without anyone telling us we don’t deserve to feel something or that we should not feel something.

I let myself feel. I awoke with a much different perspective. I thought about how I am being put through a trial that is challenging my greatest weaknesses & that this is only going to make me a stronger & more understanding individual in the end. I thought about the patience & the care  my guy had shown me during this time; unlike anything I have ever known. I smiled at how incredible my daughters have been at helping & taking care of me; I am truly so blessed I was chosen to be their mom.

I looked back at our bare Christmas tree & realized that it really did not matter what was on the tree. All that truly matters is the people around me during my favorite time of the year while I am going through something that is truly challenging me and ultimately changing me.

So, I put on my positive pants & I smiled through my day even while doing the simple daily functions and motions that feel so difficult right now & told myself I was stronger today.

Until Next Time~