I Hide.

It seems to be a common theme for my life lately. I hide.

At the end of summer I took my girls to the beach for one last summer adventure. I needed this one day to be a fun mom again who was not defined by her pain like I feel I have been for so long. I relied on inner strength, pain meds, and my guy. At one point we were walking in the sand and to no one’s knowledge I appeared to be fine, but I was hiding behind my sunglasses with tears from pain. However, when my girls looked at me they saw a smile and that was what mattered.

In yoga class, I hide my face. There is always a point where the pain gets to be so great that suddenly there they are. This week I received a few messages about how inspiring I am that I keep fighting and staying positive but really, I am just hiding.

Sitting inside these small little offices several times a week makes it feel like this is my job. This time, my heart was beating at a rapid pace because I knew the answer before. This time I knew we had reached the end of one road. This time I knew I was standing at the intersection and I had to decide to turn left or right.

Yesterday I had a follow-up in the morning with my spine doctor to see how things were progressing since the second injection. I told him how incredibly painful the site was for days after; the report actually indicated that doctor had trouble getting to the exact spot this time and ensured me next time he had a different plan of action. My disc is bulging and there is a chance I have my mom’s spine so we chatted about the things I can do to help and those that can hurt.

We talked about how to move forward and feel we were at a stop sign for my back. The injections have given me great relief from the constant nerve pain I was feeling daily — thank God. It is not 100 percent gone, but it is also not 100 percent at the front of my mind like it was. I still having shooting pain that starts in my back and shoots down my leg. I have days where the pain is nothing too severe and I have days where it is too great.

The one thing that has never changed was the pain in my foot meaning we had our answer; an answer I knew in my gut from day one. The pain in my foot is unrelated to my back. From a back standpoint, we needed to push pause because perhaps if I was not walking funny, favoring that “bad” side because of my foot, some of these back symptoms could improve.

Fast forward to yesterday’s afternoon appointment with a new foot specialist who is a top doc. I knew going in where I was headed. I have done my research as well and this was now my third foot and ankle specialist. I have tried everything there is to try unless this doctor had a secret potion no one else knew about. I’ve spent $500 on two different pairs of orthotics. I have rested it. I have tried meds. I have physical therapy. Nothing has given any form of relief.

I had three choices upon examining my foot.

1. I could go on with life dealing with the pain.
2. I could go on with life wearing my orthotics still dealing with the pain & no relief.
3. I could proceed with surgery.

Surgery was not what I wanted because this is not an easy one. But, sometimes you have to accept its time to move forward. He told me his goal for me was to get me back to running but cannot promise it.

I responded with, “I can’t even walk a mile without the pain stopping me right now.”

“I can promise you after your recovery you will be able to walk a mile pain-free,” he responded.

That’s all I need. I don’t have to run long distances ever again. But, I want to be able to live life better. I want to be able to walk with my kids. I want to be able to take them to the beach without hiding pain behind my sunglasses. I want to be able to go outside and play ball with the girls when they ask. I want to be able to move. So, essentially, I am getting a new foot. An almost complete foot reconstruction. Bones moved, tendons moved, calf muscle lengthened. From my heel to my toes — my foot will be entirely different.

The road ahead is long. There will be weeks of no work and no movement; there will be weeks of no weight-bearing at all with a very slow-paced journey of a small percentage at a time to get to full weight bearing. He warned me this surgery is an incredibly difficult one. The total recovery time from this is ONE YEAR.

All I can say, is November 2018 I’m coming for you. I have traveled long painful roads before and I know this one has more challenges than I have yet to imagine but I am hopeful and that feels good.

Until Next Time~