Still

Maybe you are like me; maybe you are not. Perhaps this is your favorite way of life.

For me, it is a struggle. I do not relax well. I always have a million things running around inside my mind. Being still is not something I have ever been able to do.

Starting this new journey of mine was terrifying. You see, my body was not designed for this. There are so many different issues and struggles I have; some we are still searching for the answers.

The first time I chose my word for that day, I chose: OPEN. I wanted to commit to staying open to this. Open to what my body could do; perhaps open to what it cannot do. I wanted to stay open to the idea; to the concept of what I was about to try. This was something for years I would tell people, “Oh, I cannot do that. I cannot be still, I have to move. Besides I cannot even touch my toes.”

This morning as I laid on my mat before class began, I was there. Still. Breathing. Turning inward. Become aware of tension in my body.

Here is what I am learning: when you are still, you can hear yourself; your heart; your soul. I find out what is heavy on my heart: where my thoughts lead to instantly. I have found moments where I could feel the tension begin to build inside my body and I have learned to breathe through it and release it.

I cannot control what goes on outside; but what I can control is what goes on inside of me.

I am learning that there are so many things I need to let go of and just be in the now. Not the past and not the future. Present.

Today I was next to the wall in the room and in one pose, I lost my balance and allowed the wall to catch me. I laughed at myself and for a brief second had the thought, “you suck at balancing.”

I let go of that thought quickly. Life constantly throws us out of balance. Daily. But, in those moments, all that really matters is that we fight to get back to the center. We allow ourselves to let go of the need to control it and just breathe and find ourselves in the moment again; letting go of that need to control what we have no control over.

Today I needed an escape. I needed to shut down the outside world. I cannot deny the weight on my heart with upcoming and ongoing medical issues inside my home for us girls. I needed to allow myself to let go of that; I needed to hide from it all. I needed to escape the many appointments scheduled, the pile of bills that all those appointments and tests accumulate to, the home that is cluttered and needs some love, the list of projects to be completed at work, the life decisions around the corner.

Still was needed. Sixty minutes of a perfect escape. Sixty minutes of letting go. Sixty minutes to just breathe. Sixty minutes of being present. Sixty minutes for just me.

Until Next Time~