Letting Go

Sometimes I am amazed at how I can sit down to write and not find a single word to explain how I feel. Writing has always been my answer, my solution. I have shared my story over the years not for you, honestly, but for me.

Can I be honest with you? This last year has been a struggle for me. To me it is crazy to think that just three years ago I was SLAYING goals on a daily basis. At that point in time, I was in the best shape of my life as a mid-30 year old mama.

Now here I am….I struggle to move. I get tired and am out of breath going up the stairs in my home. I have gained back so much weight that it honestly makes me want to cry. Some days I crawl up the stairs and most nights I cry myself to sleep due to the pain & discomfort.

If I was to be honest with myself, I am beginning to realize that I have spent the last year hating my body. I have hated the way it fights me; I have hated the way I do not have control over what I can and cannot do; I have hated the way it has changed its shape over the year.

Now, I know I am going to have some amazing people in my life remind me that the number on the scale does not define me & that my body is beautiful no matter the shape. I love you all for that, I do.

But, I am also being real here & I know that I am not alone about not loving what you see in the mirror every morning. I am not the only one who, at times, doesn’t love her body. {I wish I was!}

I have resented my body for the past year. Today, I went for a nice slow, leisurely walk at lunch which is about the extent of what I am allowed to do these days. While I was putting one foot in front of the other, like I have for years, I realized how I felt about my body. It hit me.

Falling in love with running a few years ago equaled me falling in love with myself. Running gave me a gift that very few people can ever comprehend. It made me feel alive. It helped me find myself. I was addicted to that feeling after a good run, where sweat was dripping, my heart was racing, my runners high kicking in and accepting an answer that I probably found while covering the miles.

Today I realized that now my body has limitation and restrictions and I am pissed off at it. But, I know that I need to let go of that passion of mine that made me feel alive, that addiction I am no longer able to chase after.

I need to let go and trust that I will find a new love, a new passion. I need to let go of that competitive athlete in me and I will need to find a new way to channel that piece of me.

More importantly, I need to accept my body for what it is and what it will never be again. I  need to let go of the shame I feel for gaining back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I am not and will never be a six-pack mama or hell, even a two-pack ab mama; which is totally cool with me!

What I will become is a woman who will learn to love her body all over again; a woman who will fight to find herself at a much healthier weight; a woman who will continue to fight for better medical options & answers; a woman who will no longer strive for perfection & will only strive for a simple real life.

So a new adventure awaits. The runner in me has run her miles, collected her medals & accomplished feats that many people will never even begin to try. But, now I look ahead to new challenges and new accomplishments. 

Until Next Time~