Three years ago when I began writing and actually sharing my writings, I promised to be real and raw.
I promised to be vulnerable, which means I promised to have the courage to show up and be seen. No matter what. No matter how scary it can be at times.
This week I have hid myself a bit. I have been stuck in a struggle. I told myself that I would not allow my hopes to get up as I approached a week with a few more doctor appointments. But, that just was not the way it played out.
Yesterday in the midst of total fear, disappointment, worry, stress I had the chance to be inspiring. I had the chance to show others my strength. But, instead I showed my weakness; I showed me.
After three appointments this week and a MRI of my spine, I climbed into my car leaving the last appointment for the week at 5:20 yesterday and immediately said, “I need a drink.” In that moment I was torn. I had prayed my spine would not be the cause as back problems seem to never go away, but yet at the same time, I still did not have an answer. There were even more questions asked and a few possible scenarios to look at that scare me immensely.
As we drove to the brewery, my tears fell down from behind my sunglasses. The fear and stress of still not knowing was too much. I posted on social media a picture of my flight of beers showing that it was how I was choosing to deal with the fact another week brought me no answers. Guess what? I also ordered a chicken wrap and sweet potato fries and enjoyed every bite. 
I almost hid my choices; I debated hiding my weakness in a time of defeat. But, this is me. I am just a mom who is NOT striving to be perfect. Life is too short to aim for perfection.
Currently, I am just a mom who has to explain to her doctors that she went from being an incredibly active woman to one who now just sits and lets life pass her by.
When your doctors officially label you as a “mystery” and no one can quite determine what is wrong it weighs on you. Living with this daily pain starts to make you feel crazy. You question what you feel, you question yourself when the doctors ask you questions, you just start to feel like you have officially lost it and no longer know anything. You’re tired in a way that sleep does not help.
You are depressed. You cry. You cry because you physically hurt. You cry because not knowing what is wrong with your body weighs so heavy on you. You just cry.
I keep thinking I should stop with “Krisha’s Quest” because I feel lost in my journey; I have no direction. All that I can share is that I am a mom who tries hard to love her own imperfections. I am just a mom who is not afraid to show she doesn’t always pick the healthiest options. I am just a mom who after stressful days or situations loves to enjoy a drink; especially while spending time with her people.
I am not the mom to follow if you want perfection. I am not the one to follow if you want someone to show they choose a salad and a water every day. 
For now, I carry on trying my best despite the emotional struggles that my physical body is causing. For now, I carry on at times hiding my tears behind sunglasses. For now, I carry on just trying to make it through each day and I can’t promise you a sweaty selfie every day. I can’t promise you a perfect healthy meal daily. For now, I just need to love my people big and I need to take care of me.
Medically, my doctors have increased my nerve medicine to a significantly higher dose and in two weeks I return to have nerve testing done on both of my legs and pray that maybe on that day, I will not have to continue being a mystery and perhaps we can learn something.
So, here I am. Sometimes I forget my goals because life happens. Sometimes I struggle with food being a comfort for me. Sometimes I am weak. But, all the time, I am me and I’m not afraid to admit that.
Until Next Time~
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