Every Once In A While…

Over the past few weeks, I have sat down to brainstorm my thoughts for a post. I have sat down and scribbled thoughts. But, nothing was taking. I was feeling empty. I was lacking….everything.

If there is one thing I have learned over time is that even the most positive people in your life, every once in a while, just need to scream for a minute or two. They need you to just listen to it; let them vent. Let them get the negativity out and for that moment in time, that person just needs you to say, “yes, it sucks.” We need that time to just feel what it is we are feeling & know that it’s okay to not find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Because, sometimes we do not care anymore about there being a light at the end of the tunnel simply because we are just tired of being in the tunnel.

Once we have these moments, we let it out, we scream, we cry, we do whatever the heck it is we need to do….and then, in the blink of an eye, we go back to focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is why I could not find a blog post in me. I was trying to search for the positives so much that my soul was tired. Every once in a while, I needed to stop searching for the light, I needed to not wear a smile and I needed to not have to hide how I was truly feeling.

I found myself in a complete breakdown of tears yesterday after posting in my Facebook fit camp group about struggling with wanting to show up for my workouts. A good friend of mine wrote this back to a comment of mine about having no “why” & I lost it:

“Dig deep and find it. Even though with the pain you’re in it will be difficult to answer the question. Is it so that you get 30 mins to dedicated to celebrating YOU? Is it so that you can handle the demands of coaching and other practices? Is it so that at the end of the day if you get through nothing you wanted to do that you can still say “I did that!” Even if your why today, changes tomorrow it’s about the reason for it”.

Daily, I struggle with feeling defeated. I have lived a life in motion for that past six years. Crossing starting lines and chasing down finish lines. I have rarely sat down, I was always on the move with myself or the people in my life.

Fast forward to the present and most days, I make my daughter sit on my feet because the tingling and numbing is so strong that I truly want to cut my feet off & I cannot get off the couch. I try to workout, even if it’s just lifting weights with my upper body, but even that can cause pain and the numbing to shoot down my lower body. Yes, even yoga ignites a fire in my leg.

Yesterday, it hit me that I needed to do some serious self-reflection. I needed to do some digging, I needed to find a purpose….maybe even one I can do from the couch with my daughter or my guy sitting on or squeezing my feet.

This morning I awoke to a private message from someone asking for some advice on their own health journey despite some physical struggles they endure. This person has no idea how much a fire began to burn inside of me again simply by her asking for advice for so many reason.

It hit me this morning how much I have been FOCUSED on feeling defeated. I have never been one to ever let defeat push me down, yet, here I am allowing it. Daily. The person you speak to the most in your life is yourself; the messages I have been giving myself are so wrong.

In the middle of so many life changes, I think I forgot who I was. I forgot I was a woman who started her journey at 200 pounds & was able to change. I forgot I was a woman who finished a full marathon during the darkest period of her life that was the loneliest journey one could ever imagine. This woman is still inside me, I just forgot about her.

Today, I remember who I am. Now, the game changes.

Until Next Time~