I Write

Hundreds of notebooks over the years hold my words, my thoughts. Ever since high school, I wrote. I would write when I was hurting; write when I was happy. I would write to work through the dark thoughts in my mind; I would write to remember the memories I wanted to hold close.

I write for many reasons. Here I write so I can remember what I have worked through, so I can remember what I accomplished, so I can remember the uphills and the downhills on this journey we call life.

I write for me. Often I do get messages that my words hit someone right in the heart and that makes the fear of vulnerability worth it.

Today, I am writing because I need to let go of what I am holding in and I need to inspire myself to move forward. Today, I am writing because I have allowed myself to shut down and I need to pull myself out of this place.

Here is the thing about sharing — you always know someone is going to read it and laugh at you or whatever thought may come into their mind but if there is one thing life has taught me is that you never can understand anyone’s journey. Really, most days I don’t even understand me let alone someone else. You cannot judge someone’s thoughts or feelings and you certainly cannot tell them how to feel.

Honestly, I have been in a dark place lately and I haven’t been able to shake it. I have struggled even getting on social media as I would literally turn to tears at the sweaty selfies I would scroll by but yet in a weird way I needed to see them too. They still inspired me. I knew the past few years that working out and those incredible endorphins helped me greatly emotionally and mentally. But, it has been the past few weeks that I have realized how much; it’s like my anti-depressant. It gave me so many positive vibes in more ways than I can explain and I will never be able to explain how much I miss it and need it.

My frustrations have been high and a feeling of hopelessness keeps winning. A year later and seven specialists and lots of physical therapy and every day my pain and discomfort continues to grow. I do not sleep well at night because my pain is too great. I feel helpless around the house because simple things like carrying a laundry basket up and down the steps does a number on me. Yesterday I found myself with tears down my face sitting at my desk at work because I hurt so greatly. It can range from feeling like a fire inside, to a knife stabbing in and twisting to complete numbing where I feel as if I cannot move my toes or at times, my leg. It’s in my thigh, my knee, my calf and down to my toes.

I know I need to see the positive that things have been ruled out. The MRI on my knee shows just normal wear and tear with some little signs of arthritis but nothing that would cause pain in someone like I’m experiencing. In other words, my knee is fine and is not the cause of these symptoms.

I have switched to a much better foot doctor that I trust a million times more which is another positive. We are trying one more attempt at something for a few weeks and then we will evaluate if any relief has come or if we need to discuss surgery more in-depth.

Both my knee doc and foot doctors agree the leg pain has nothing to do with the knee and that my foot is also not the source of all the pain I have. I have now been referred on to yet another specialist to have spine and nerves evaluated.

I struggle because the mom that I dreamed about being for years, the kind of mom I wanted to be that pushed me daily, is not the mom I am right now. Some days I have to tell my kids “no” when they ask if I can catch them pitching. We cannot lace up together and go for a fun jog, we cannot go out and play some basketball; we cannot even go out to the drive for a fun game of four square.

Despite my hopelessness last week after getting really no answers on Friday after two appointments and the urge to just say, “I give up,” I know I cannot. I have to keep pushing, I have to keep trying, I have to keep moving on to the next doctor until I can find a way to at least go back to playing a little more with my girls in the yard.

So, today, I write so that I can work out the frustrations and so that I can let go of the hopeless feeling. I write because through my words I see that as long as I am willing to keep trying, something great will be on the road ahead. I have no idea how long this road is going to be but I know I have to keep moving regardless of how slow my body forces me to go.

Until Next Time~