I know. Trust me. I wish I could tell you the number of times I have thought, “is it even worth it anymore?” I wish I could tell you the number of times I said to myself, “why bother, you’re going to fail again.”
This journey is hard. It is like riding a crazy rollercoaster ride every day. You find days you might just coast, others where you feel like you are fighting so hard to reach the top of the hill and others days where you are tumbling down the hill so fast you cannot seem to stop yourself.
Being out of town gave me so many ah-ha moments this past week. Being in a slower atmosphere without rushing from work to practices to home to school to here & there gave me time to look inside.
What did I find?
I found a woman who almost did not recognize herself. I found that inside me lived to many self-limiting beliefs. I found a woman who was constantly self-sabotaging herself. I found a woman with too many doubts and not much strength in her mindset.
I took Sunday and Monday off from workouts. I prayed. I thought. I brainstormed. I researched.
Last night was my breakthrough moment.
I decided to switch to a HIIT style program; lifting weights on my lower body was not working well at all with my foot/knee/leg. I was finding too often that I had to drop the weights, I was seeing that my body was requiring way too many rest days.
As I pushed play last night I again wondered if this was right for me. The pain in my leg returned like it was 4 months ago — a fire burning so damn hot inside me.
I maxed out at 7:24 & when I say this, I hope you note I am following the modifier over half of the time & I have zero shame in this.
I pushed through the 30 minute workout heavily modifying & at times having to walk away to stretch & allow the fire inside my leg to die down just a little.
When it came to an end, it was a gorgeous evening out & I was home alone. I wanted to test my leg on this workout versus running so I swapped my inserts from my shoes into my running shoes & made the choice that even if I only ran 0.5 of a mile, I wanted to test my body.
I started. I kept going. I can’t say fast; it was incredibly slow. I knew I could not push my body in speed; but I began to wonder if I could push the distance. I turned around a little over a mile and decided I was going to aim for 3. 
I hit that point. That point where everything in me wanted to STOP. I wanted to just walk it back nice & slow. I wanted to say that I could stop short & no one would know but me. I wanted to tell myself that I just can’t handle running 3 miles anymore.
Not this time.
For the first time in forever, I pushed through that wall without even stopping to take a walk break. I pushed through that point. I pushed through that moment where everything in my body wanted me to quit early.
When I finished I had two choices. I could have looked at my pace & thought to myself how slow I was now compared to back then. I could have told myself how weak I was because it felt so hard.
Or I could have chosen to be proud. I could have been proud that I kept pushing. I could have been proud that I was fighting to get back to where I want to be. I could have been proud that I haven’t given up just yet. I could have been proud that I was still determined.
I made the choice to be proud. I made the choice to not compare myself to the me from the past & instead focus on who I wanted to be today & tomorrow. I made the choice to tell myself that I am worth it; my health is worth it.
I made the choice in that moment that those self-limiting beliefs were trashed. I know I can succeed at anything I truly set my mind to achieve but I have been holding myself back for far too long.
I had a breakthrough. It looked a lot like day one of a truly incredible comeback. I’m letting go of who I was yesterday, last year, two years ago, or who I was the day I finished my marathon. I’m looking forward to who I want to become.
It might be hard to tackle this journey all over again; it is hard to accept that you have gone backwards. But, in my eyes, it’s harder to just stay feeling stuck than it is to fight forward.
Day one in the books. Max out at 7:24. 3 miles ran. Food on point. Progress will begin.
Until Next Time~
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