When I was a little girl I would dream. Just like the majority of all little girls I would picture my wedding & I would most definitely dream about being a mommy.
To girls.
I definitely wanted girls. However, I would have appreciated a warning that they would be identical to their mama.
Do you know what I did not picture in this dream? What I never imagined motherhood to be like?
Lonely.
I always thought it would be in the form of a team. I thought that I would always have someone to share the weight of the world with on a daily basis.
It was eight years ago this week that my youngest had her first surgery. Leading up to that decision was so many doctor appointments I attended alone & carried the weight of her health on my shoulders when I was forced to make the decision to proceed with surgery all alone.
Fast forward to the years since: hundreds of doctor appointments/test/x-rays, the hospital stays, the major decisions, the taxi driving mom, the stress of their health, the every moment in a day.
Some nights I get home from work and just wish for someone to be there to run the taxi for the night, to fight with the homework, to struggle through the tough nights of my daughter’s medical regimen. Despite those nights I might feel weak, I put on my best mom smile & do it all thankful I was given the tenacity I carry inside.
Some afternoons I sit here wishing someone could feel the heavy feeling as I wait for the phone to ring from a doctor’s office or my inbox to receive the e-mail from the other doctor.
Perhaps just someone to take the tears out of my eyes as the loneliness sets in.
I didn’t dream up this part. I never imagined that I would feel this way.
But, despite the lump in my throat, the tightness in my chest & the emotions showing in my eyes, my dream might look different than through the eyes of a young girl but it is still a dream come true.
My “team” is different from what we ever imagine it will be and perhaps I am on my own with most of it but those girls, my world, make it all worth it. Our “team” has extra people in it, but extra people to love on my babies which makes my heart happy.
Their hugs take away the loneliness, their hugs take away the fear. No matter what may land in our way, every time I look into their eyes I know I have the strength to handle it & will proudly wear my best mom smile every single day.
No, it is not how I imagined it would be; it’s even better than my dream. I am the mom to the two most amazing daughters which takes the hurt out of the lonely. 
Until Next Time~
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