The music was pumping. The pre-workout was hitting my system. The shoes were tied up and ready to go.
But, I stopped. I knew deep down I was fighting a mental block that I needed to work through.
I knew I needed to stop the slip downhill. I was not willing to allow myself to go backwards.
There was a time in my life….honestly the majority of my almost thirty-six years… where I truly wanted to vomit as I looked in the mirror. Yes, my self-esteem was that low. I used to believe the way my body was built was ugly: short, stocky, wide. I would look in the mirror and point out all the things that were wrong, all the things I hated about the view I could see.
Over the past year & a half, I have really worked on self-love. I have learned to accept my body; even all the visible signs of two pregnancies, weight loss & gain over the years, and the years I’ve traveled so far.
One difference in my life now, is that I have someone who I cannot sneak anything past. I have someone who is so in tune with me that I am quickly called out on things before I even realize I am doing them. This was a gift to me; this allowed me to stop & switch directions.
I was going backwards on my self-esteem. Instead of filling my heart & mind with the positives & the things I loved about me & my body I was focusing on the negatives. The old me was sneaking back inside my head.
This morning I had to do some reflection. I had to figure out why I was starting down this track. I forced myself to sit down & talk to myself as a best friend & tell myself all the beautiful things about me.
You know, I’m normal. My journey is just like yours. I still find myself at times fighting those inner struggles, those horrible habits that I had for the majority of my life. Like any journey we embark on in life, there are hills to climb, there are valleys so low we wonder how to get out. There are times the exhaustion is so great that we don’t feel we can possibly take one more step. Moments where we reach a fork in the road & we have to make that decision to turn right or left: choices.
I made the choice today to do whatever I needed to do to work through this. I knew if I did not stop it, it would turn into a snowball rolling down the hill getting bigger & bigger with every flip. I’m not sure why sometimes we lose sight of our own magic, but I think it’s important to know how to find it again.
No, I am not perfect. Yes, I struggle. No, I don’t quit. Yes, daily I have to fight. No, this is not easy. Yes, it’s worth it.
The hard is worth it. I’m worth it. I’m worth loving myself wherever I might be on this journey.
Until Next Time~
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