Today I am going to use my Wednesday post to tell you about what the scale cannot tell you & what a picture may not show. But, it is as real of a transformation as ever.
Rewind to my past…I used to HATE exercise. I hated it. I did not want to do it. I would do it for two days & then stop. It was a constant cycle filled with anger & resentment towards it because I did not want to do it, I did not enjoy it, I did not have time for it.
I even thought as I stood there in my overweight body looking in the mirror that I didn’t even care anymore if I was unhealthy because I did not want to exercise.
I was a product of my environment. I was a product of the negativity I filled my mind with. I was a product of low self-esteem & a belief I was not worth the time or effort. I was a product of the belief that I should be last on the list of my priorities.
Can I share my breakdown with you that happened this week? Can I open up & be vulnerable again?
This week I have had three complete breakdowns. Moments where I have lost it & tears streamed down my face. Moments where all I really wanted to do was go curl up in my bed.
There are many things weighing heavy on my heart; heavy on my mind.
The look in my daughter’s eyes Monday evening when she said she did not want to have surgery again & the tears as she told me she does not believe anyone will be able to “fix her.” She is losing hope.
The stress of awaiting the dates I’ll be gone, the canceled business trip I had planned this month that I was so excited to attend & no longer can. Truly, I can tell you that Laynee & I both get very homesick when we are that far away from Jacee, home & family.
The stress every day logging into my bank account & knowing the upcoming related travel & medical expenses & then the upcoming bills to follow.
The roller coaster ride of entrepreneurship; the moment you hit a low & need to just rely on that passion to help you fight through it until you are back uphill again.
My lungs. I am still fighting this cough. I am still not healthy. I have a day where I think I’m better & then try to be active only to eventually realize I am not healthy & need to take another day or two off. Good health is truly such a gift.
The fear that I am supposed to be running a full marathon in 53 days & am completely untrained & a month behind my training plan at this point & have no idea how my body will feel once I am able to begin again.
So, in between all these moments of weakness, of breakdowns, of allowing my frustrations, stress & emotions out (as opposed to when I once would keep them locked up inside hoping they would just stay buried) I have finally came to a realization.
My mind, my body, my heart, my soul is missing something. It is craving those moments in time where I get to shut off the rest of the day’s problems or struggles. It is missing those times where I have a choice to give up or give it all I have & blow my own mind with my strength. Everything is missing my workouts.
Photo credit: Erin Marie Photography
So, if you feel hopeless I really want you to know that I once was a very lazy, overweight, negative, tired woman who hated exercise & really just wanted to sit on the couch watching TV while eating junk. Today, I am a woman who needs it, craves it & absolutely loves it. I do not workout every day because I want to be “skinny,” whatever the hell that even is.
But, I workout for my mental health. Because, when I am in my routine, I am a much happier & energetic mom, woman, friend, partner, co-worker. Everything & everyone benefits.
So, for now, I am going to be sitting over here doing whatever small amounts of activity I can until my lungs are clear again.
Oh, and in terms of W.I.W. my scale was the same as last week which I am totally cool with. I had a wonderful weekend of adventures with some of my most favorite people.
Until Next Time~
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