I forced myself to lay in bed for over an hour. But, as I laid there I tossed and turned with the reality of my mind. I finally allowed myself to get up knowing I had words inside my head I needed to get out.
I have been battling it. I have been fighting it. I have been digging in deep but so far I have not made any progress and perhaps have gone even further backwards.
This post is not for you to give me words of affirmation. The only one that can change this perspective is me.
I am fighting, daily, the biggest self-doubt I have ever in my life. Every single day I want to quit my training. Every single day I hear the voice inside my head saying:
“You can’t do this.”
“You aren’t strong enough.”
“You’ll never make it.”
“You don’t have what it takes.”
Every single time I go out for a run I fight the urge to quit. I fight those words inside my head. There have been times I have called it quits short of the daily goal because I reach a point I have nothing left to fight with.
Do you know I struggle at times to call myself a marathoner? I feel as if I did not earn the title of “Marathoner” because I finished so slow, because I had to do so much run/walk intervals because of my knee.
Why? I finished the same 26.2 route every person did in that marathon but I struggle to give myself credit for it. I finished it in the absolute worst pain I have ever fought through (worse than child birth) and did not quit.
One night about 2 weeks ago as I was tossing and turning after a day where my run was so awful I finally got up out of bed and wrote the thoughts I was having.
They were thoughts like above and in addition the thought “is the only reason I finished the first one because it was a way to heal the pain I was in? Can I run a marathon happy?”
I don’t know. Sometimes I am not even sure why I signed up and committed to doing a full marathon again.
Maybe this was why I did. Maybe I knew there was a part of me inside that needs some work, some growth. Maybe because I thrive off doing difficult things. Maybe because I needed to prove to myself that I can carry the title of “Marathoner.”
So I guess every day I will continue to show up. For me. I will continue to fight through those thoughts until I’m empty. I will work on strengthening that piece of me that is my greatest weakness.
Because I am worth fighting for. I am worth working on in order to grow into the person that can cross that finish line.
Because for now, I cannot let the self-doubt win.
Until Next Time~
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