Sometimes we do not always understand certain roads that we have to travel. Sometimes we question if we followed the right direction when we approached the fork in the road. Sometimes we question every step along the way & sometimes we wonder how many more miles will we need to travel before the rain stops and the sunshine appears.

The thing is, if we just keep the faith that the sun will shine as long as we do not give up, the view ends up so beautiful that words cannot do it justice.

I ate breakfast in bed this morning.

I know, how did I go from roads being traveled to rain to sunshine to breakfast in bed?

Because he looks at me & can see what I need before I know. Because he looks at me & can hear everything I am not saying.

This week, as a mom, has been a struggle. A few months ago I thought we were in the middle of the mountain with Laynee’s health & in the past two months we have fallen back down the hill quite significantly. The last two weeks have felt a bit more like a serious tumble down it every day.

Emotionally I have struggled. Mentally I have struggled. I have had to break my little girl’s heart while also listening to her thoughts & fears that brought me to my knees.

This morning I ate breakfast in bed. This morning he surprised me. He surprised me because he has heard what I have said this week & how I was feeling.

But, he also looked at me & could read everything I did not say. He could read just how weak I was feeling. He could read I needed to feel his support. He could read I needed him.

But, really he looks at me as if I’m magic.

That’s a way we all deserved to be looked at.

Magic. Every mile traveled on that road was worth it to find someone who sees all of me in a way no one ever has, in a way I never thought was possible.

Until Next Time~

This morning while so many were still sound asleep in bed I was lost in my own thoughts. I was lost in my own little world. It’s a great little world, people love me there! But for real, sometimes I am amazed at how lost I can find myself.

I think that is a common thing for people who feel so deeply….there is not much surface level with me.

Today was a cardio day on my workout calendar. Currently, on the cardio days I am running instead of doing the program workout. I’m not running every day, I’m not adding cardio on to the end of my strength training workouts. I am following the calendar designed for the program & I’m only working out one time a day which is less than 40 minutes.

As I saw it was cardio day, I got a little bit pumped up. I was excited as I wondered if I would be able to go further today.

I fired up the treadmill & began putting one foot in front of the other at my slow pace. Of course, it was not easy & I wanted to stop just a few minutes in to walk.

That was the moment I got lost. I got lost remembering that it was just a few years ago that I could not run a mile yet. I would lace up & head out to run my neighborhood always praying my neighbors would not be looking out their window to see me struggle. I would run to a mailbox just a little ahead & allow myself a walk break until a driveway ahead of me or a tree.

I started from a standstill & I took a single, small step forward. That step was terrifying.

I think a part of me is still terrified, or is terrified all over again. I think the fear actually stems from not wanting to suffer another heartbreak. I am afraid of starting & not being able to finish; I’m afraid that running will break my heart again.

The problem is that I fell in love with running a few years ago. Running gave me the gift of learning to love myself. Truly, it is your typical love/hate relationship. Some days I hate it, some days it makes me cry.

But, then there are those days where I get such a high that just lights me on fire. There are even those days where the tears are tears of pride & joy.

It’s a relationship I will never give up on because it always gives me what I need and so much more. It doesn’t just take from me.

At the end of the day, I know I will give it all I have to get back out there on the trails, on the roads, crossing the starting lines in hopes of crossing the finish lines.

I have always been told I did not have the body to be good at things. Growing up I was told didn’t have a “pitcher’s body.” I did not have the long legs, with the arms to match. I was short with tree trunks. In volleyball I was always told it wasn’t likely I would ever play the front row. Hello little Miss 5’4″ on a good day.

I took all of those comments over the years and replied back with a “watch me” attitude. I achieved those things because I worked harder. I made sure if others were giving 100% I gave more. I pushed harder and I believed that I could do anything I set my mind to doing.

Now, I will take my body at age 36 that has it’s issues & show my girls that when you do have to work through an injury or when someone tells you something might not come as easy for you, you do have a choice.

You can make the choice to work hard. You can make the choice to give it all you have. You can make the choice to let pure determination carry you as far as it can take you.

Every day we can take that step. Every day we can move from that standstill place where we might feel like it’s a mud trap that we cannot possibly lift our feet from & we can move forward.

It takes the first step, followed by another. If we trust that there is strength from every struggle; if we trust that in time the momentum will carry us even further; if we trust that we can do hard things we might just find ourselves accomplishing some pretty incredible feats.

This morning’s workout I did go further. 2.5 miles done and I fell in love all over again.

Until Next Time~

Busted can of biscuits.

That is exactly how I looked!

So, this morning I really wanted to wear my lighter pair of skinny jeans. I put them on, I could pull them up fine, I could button & zip them easily. Sure, I could say they “fit,” right?

But….they were the fit that makes you look like you are carrying ten extra pounds around your stomach because they really are too small. I mean, maybe this only pertains to short & stocky women like me who reach 5’4″ on a good day & were definitely built to be solid.

I looked into the mirror at myself thinking, “you look like hell.”

However, from that moment this conversation inside my head could have gone in two completely different directions.

You see, I could have played this scenario out: “Are you serious? You look fat. You’re such a failure. I can’t believe you cannot even wear these jeans anymore. Seriously. Why bother, you’re never going to get there so you might as well quit.”

Yes, I will admit that in my past I have stood in the mirror & had some really horrible conversations with myself.

But today, my growth was evident. Because, today, I choose to look in the mirror & decide this was my truth:

Alright K, no big deal. You’ll change into the jeans today that are one size bigger but actually have some room in because your body is changing. These jeans here, you’ll be wearing in March like no big deal. Someday, these jeans will probably be too big for you. That day isn’t today, but that day can be in the future if you stay on track & stop the self-sabotage & make the choice to believe in yourself every single day.

You see this week I had some really good workouts that gave me some deep reflection. I had moments where I realized I have been truly self-sabotaging myself lately because I was giving power to my excuses again. Simply put: my mindset had grown weak. My condition, my daily pain, had left me feeling mentally weak & emotionally drained & the truth is that I didn’t handle it well.

I found that giving up had become really easy for me to do. In the six months I was sidelined & having to follow strict modifications, giving up was something I became accustomed to do. When the pain would start, I would quit. Some times I would quit even before I began because I was fearful. Giving up was so easy because I had such a good excuse to do so.

Whatever messages we fill inside our head is the mindset that will control our day. I did not realize how weak I had let it get. The good news is that you can strengthen your mindset, you can change it. Being mentally strong means you stay positive through adversity & are resilient when facing pressure, challenges & change.

This week I have taken any of the negative, self-limiting beliefs & changed them into positive & empowering thoughts. The result was a mile run outside yesterday that finished in 10:36 shaving four minutes off my pace since starting back. It never would have happened with the mindset from a month ago.

I have no doubt I will be wearing those jeans so very soon & the next time I put them on, I will not look like a busted can of biscuits.

Until Next Time~

When I was a little girl I would dream. Just like the majority of all little girls I would picture my wedding & I would most definitely dream about being a mommy.

To girls.

I definitely wanted girls. However, I would have appreciated a warning that they would be identical to their mama.

Do you know what I did not picture in this dream? What I never imagined motherhood to be like?

Lonely.

I always thought it would be in the form of a team. I thought that I would always have someone to share the weight of the world with on a daily basis.

It was eight years ago this week that my youngest had her first surgery. Leading up to that decision was so many doctor appointments I attended alone & carried the weight of her health on my shoulders when I was forced to make the decision to proceed with surgery all alone.

Fast forward to the years since: hundreds of doctor appointments/test/x-rays, the hospital stays, the major decisions, the taxi driving mom, the stress of their health, the every moment in a day.

Some nights I get home from work and just wish for someone to be there to run the taxi for the night, to fight with the homework, to struggle through the tough nights of my daughter’s medical regimen. Despite those nights I might feel weak, I put on my best mom smile & do it all thankful I was given the tenacity I carry inside.

Some afternoons I sit here wishing someone could feel the heavy feeling as I wait for the phone to ring from a doctor’s office or my inbox to receive the e-mail from the other doctor.

Perhaps just someone to take the tears out of my eyes as the loneliness sets in.

I didn’t dream up this part. I never imagined that I would feel this way.

But, despite the lump in my throat, the tightness in my chest & the emotions showing in my eyes, my dream might look different than through the eyes of a young girl but it is still a dream come true.

My “team” is different from what we ever imagine it will be and perhaps I am on my own with most of it but those girls, my world, make it all worth it. Our “team” has extra people in it, but extra people to love on my babies which makes my heart happy.

Their hugs take away the loneliness, their hugs take away the fear. No matter what may land in our way, every time I look into their eyes I know I have the strength to handle it & will proudly wear my best mom smile every single day.

No, it is not how I imagined it would be; it’s even better than my dream. I am the mom to the two most amazing daughters which takes the hurt out of the lonely.  

Until Next Time~

A few years ago I wrote under an old blog about my weight loss journey. I wrote for no one else, except myself & perhaps a few online fitness friends.

I shared it all. The ups & downs of a weight loss journey. The days I won & the days I fell flat on my face. I had zero worry about judgement because I did not share with anyone in my “real life.”

I realized this week that I have ventured away from that in my writing. I have been writing with a business mindset & not just sharing me, my heart, my journey. I have been writing with fear due to messages I have received; sharing with a wall up.

So, here I am heading back to my roots. I’m here to share with you. I’m here to be honest about the times where I want to give up & I’m here to share with you about the wins, scale & non-scale related. There are no more walls; any negative judgement thrown my way means nothing to me.

I’m not writing to have your praise or positive affirmations; that’s not what it is about for me.

Honestly, I have thirty pounds I want to, need to, lose. Yes, I know that the scale does not define me. I know that some will tell me to not worry about the number of pounds I lose or don’t lose. I know that true beauty comes from within.

But, I’m here to do me; not anyone else. I will focus on non-scale progress as well; but I’m also going to focus on the scale too.

I’m not here to sell you something. I’m going to be here writing for me. Because writing for me is a form of therapy. It’s the best way that I self-reflect. Writing is the way that always allows me to move forward in life through any challenges I face.

On that note….
If you’ve been following my journey recently you know that I have not been allowed to “do me” while working out in over 6 months. I’m finally cleared & allowed to move forward. However, this will be different for me. I have to focus on different things. I have to do more than the person next to me. There are extra steps I need to take.

In all reality, I feel like my body is back to the beginning of my journey. I lost so much strength in the past 6 months that if I allowed it to, it would dishearten me. My endurance is a struggle. For real.

Today at lunch, I went to my gym to jump on the treadmill. My plan is to fit in just a few miles a couple of times a week with my weight lifting. I figure this way I can slowly build back up my running & make the needed adjustments listening to my body to do so.

I got on the treadmill thinking how amazing it would be if I could get in three miles today. I knew this was probably not going to happen but I also know I need to build slowly.

Umm….I got to a half of a mile & wanted a walk break. For real. This was at a very slow pace (like my speed never got over 5 mph & barely hit 5). I debated allowing myself the chance to walk for twenty seconds.

But instead, I increased my speed & pushed through to the mile mark.

My mind was filled with self-doubt but my body was stronger than I thought. For the past few months I wondered how much fight I really had left in me.

Now, I know there is a lot of fight left in me. It’s time I bring it. It’s time I write again for me. 

Until Next Time~

I did not realize it at first. It took some time. But, eventually I recognized this old behavior.

Monday morning I looked in the mirror & said,

“You look so frumpy. I hate these jeans. They don’t fit right so they look like crap. I’m bored with sweatshirts + running shoes….”

Frumpy.

Can I tell you how I felt ALL day long on Monday?

Frumpy.

I drank more coffee than normal, I felt tired & unmotivated. I struggled at work & allowed things that were truly so insignificant to get me worked up.

All because of that moment I looked in the mirror & told myself I was frumpy & my jeans fit like crap.

What you focus on, what you tell yourself sets the tone for our day. It shapes our mindset.

Yesterday, I went to the gym on my lunch break to try the elliptical & treadmill. My plan was to just get in a mile before my orthotic follow-up to test them while running considering I have had no decrease in pain during my other workouts.

I started and instantly things felt off, things felt tight, things were in pain & my lungs could not handle it. It felt as if I had never ran a day in my life.

I stopped & walked, tried again, stopped & walked, tried again. I had tears building in my eyes right there in the middle of the gym with people in every direction.

I stopped for the final time short of a mile & told myself this was too hard. I was no longer a runner. I was all the way back at the beginning like I was five years ago. I focused on how difficult it had been for me to build up to a mile, then two, then a 5k, then five miles. I decided it was too hard. I could not do it again.

Not once did I focus on all of the positive moments of that journey. Not once did I stop to think about how amazing it was to be able to run one mile without stopping or the day I still remember when I ran five miles for the first time or the time I ran a 5k under 30 minutes or the fight to cross every finish line I attempted to cross.

I focused on the ugly. I focused on the hard parts.

But, I could have made the choice to focus on the gift of being able to start again. I could have focused on the positives that I can be active at all. I could have focused on the opportunity to hit each of those milestones all over again in a brand new journey.

Frumpy. Too hard. Can’t. Impossible.

I had it all wrong in those moments. I know the choice is mine every day on the messages my brain receives.

The truth is our brain is hearing every single thought we have. We have to shift our mindset to send out the right messages. The messages that are going to build us up. The messages that will help us create a better tomorrow. The messages that keep our hearts open. The messages that help us serve others.

My shirt gave me my sign as I ran…or tried to run. I just did not stop to see the direction of my mindset until later. What you focus on becomes your reality.

What messages are you giving yourself today? If you find its on the negative side, FOCUS on the good. Focus on the positives. Focus on the right stuff.

I will be over here focusing on the positives. The only messages I will receive from myself will sound like they are coming from my best friend becasuse that is the only way we should talk to ourselves.

Until Next Time~

I thought I woke up this morning feeling ready to tackle another week.

I thought I was feeling good about “it,” whatever it might actually be.

Turns out, my Monday morning did not start this way.

I woke up feeling awake & ready at 4:15. By 4:30 I was mixing up my pre-workout & sitting at my kitchen table reading some personal development. One of my absolute favorite combinations in life right now is some pre-workout + some PD….such a high when that pre-workout hits your system while working on your mind, dreams + goals….it makes you feel as if you really are going to crush this life thing!

As my workout began this morning, that crushing life feel was not a part of it. I started working out & was really struggling to put anything behind the moves. I was simply going through the motions. I tried to convince myself that I felt like working out, that I love it.

I’m not sure what happened or at what point, but all the sudden I found myself sitting on the couch watching the workout on my TV. Umm…hello K, this is not how you burn calories. There was zero leg pain to blame.

I did not want to do it. I did not feel like it. I was not in the mood. I was not motivated.

I quit.

I tried to get up but found I had a million excuses:
*I don’t feel like it.
*My leg might hurt.
*I’m bored.
*I have a million things I could do around the house.
*I can find time later.
*One workout isn’t going to make a difference.
*I’m tired.
*I want to go drink some coffee.
*I might run out of time this morning so I should just go shower.
*I can’t do most of it anyway because of my leg.

But here is the thing, you are not always motivated. You do not always feel like it. You have moments where you try to tell yourself your goals are not important & you will work towards them later. You will always have a pile of excuses ready to draw one out & use for the day.

So, I got back up because discipline is the answer. Pushing through the times we want to quit & give up makes us grow. Motivation comes & goes; inspiration can be found around you.

But, you have to be able to look within. You have to make the choice to be STRONGER than the pile of excuses. You have to make the choice to give the POWER to your why instead of the excuses. No one can drag you, but you.

Self-discipline is the bridge that will take you from your starting point to the goal. You might find as you cross the bridge that it’s super shaky, you might even find boards missing that you need to leap across to get to the next one but this is the only option to connect the two points.

So what choice will you make today? What will you give the power to?

Until Next Time~

How many times have you been feeling on your A game, then you jump on the scale and you’re like, “What the……? Is this thing broken? Like maybe the batteries are dead.”

This is one of the reasons I hate stepping on that thing. But, right now, I am using it as one of my ways to measure my progress. Simply because, I need to lose weight. End of story.

This morning was one of those days that the old me would have stepped off that scale & felt worthless. She would have told herself she was ugly and fat. She would have called herself a failure. She would have told herself this whole “healthy living” thing was pointless & she might as well just give up.

That woman believed her self-worth was tied up in a number. That number had so much power & defined the person she was.

Now, I know I’m better than a number. A three digit number cannot define me. It cannot tell me if I’m a good person or not; if I’m enough or not; if I’m pretty or ugly.

This week I have been doing great with my nutrition. I said “great,” I did not say perfect.

So, Thursday I had the chance to go grab one of our favorite local breweries beer for some great quality time one-on-one. Quality time is my number one love language so I enjoyed this opportunity.

Friday night we ended up eating out after a wonderful visit with others. Umm…. Mexican. But, I felt happy with my choices. Chicken tacos, didn’t even eat my rice. Just the tacos…

oh, and perhaps some tortilla chips and salsa…..

I mean, WHY do they need to bring those to your table anyway???

Again, this is me living my life. I do not strive for “perfection” because what the hell is that anyway?

This week I have been tracking my weight every few days. Honestly, I am so closely because I want to watch it fluctuate to use this experience as I continue to help my challengers in their battles with a scale.

I am actually only down 0.1 from Monday to this morning. I was down more than that in the middle of the week. I have also taken measurements to track this journey, but those I will only take once a week so that will be again on Monday.

I am totally cool with that 0.1. Because I feel amazing right now. My energy has been up all week long. For real, some nights I crawled into bed already fired up for my workout the next morning….I mean, what? My choices are fueling my body. I’m tracking my food & I know from my past when I write it down, it makes a world of difference. I finally found a tracking system I like & that speaks to me! I have been great at drinking my water & I struggle with this all year…but in the winter it’s a million times harder for me.

I also have been tracking my leg pain on a scale of 1-10 after every workout. Thursday….she hit 11. In my reflection, I have found that Power Sculpt is a workout I think I need to skip for a bit until I get the pain under control. Sometimes the pain will subside quickly after my workout, that pain lasted until the next day. So, I will be making some tweaks to my workout calendar.

If I could show you my starting picture, you would see how much the scale does not reflect our hard work. You would see why I trust my daily choices & my workouts are taking me in the right step. But, that picture is staying hidden until the end.

My message to you today if you’re on this journey: that number on the scale does not define you. It doesn’t always speak the truth about the work you’re putting in. It doesn’t always show your progress.

Pay attention to how you feel. Pay attention to your energy levels, your self-confidence. Pay attention to how proud you feel when you make a healthy food choice. Pay attention to those endorphins after you crush your workout.

Then, just keep on keeping on. Hard work never disappears. Make this the time you do not give up and quit.

Until Next Time~

Transparency.

This is my goal.

Today marks day three of my latest round of my fitness program. This time I’m fighting. Really fighting.

For the past six months I have been forced to kind of go through the motions in my fitness routine. Now, I am allowed to go all out. There are times my pain might force a slight pause but I am promising that when I reach the end of my workout, there will be nothing left inside of me to fight with.

This time, I’m stepping up….perhaps leaping. I am going to show you every day. I am going to show you what I’m eating & how this eating plan works. I will show you the times I fall. I will prove I showed up for my workouts.

My beginning pictures are taken as well as measurements & the scale. My goals are set. Honestly, right now I am pushing myself knowing that taking off some of this extra weight will help the pain & discomfort that I feel from my knee down to my toes. I do not want to have this condition slow my life down now, but also not 15 years down the road either.

I am fighting for me. I am fighting to be a better me. A healthier me.

So far the workouts I have completed have been:
Day 1: MMA Speed
Day 2: Dynamic Strength
Day 3: MMA Speed

I intend on documenting this every day. My body changing. Sure, different pants hit in different places, but the point of showing up. The point of showing that small daily choices do not show up the next morning, but in thirty days, we might see every choice added up.

This round I have committed fully to the eating system. No more “guess-work” like I so easily slip into. Here is what I’ve been eating for the past few days.

Superfoods are a must. Simple nutrition!

Busy mama has to have handy snacks!

The veggies were such an easy dinner fix. I bought some ready to go from the store & cut up a few more to add in. I cooked these up with some olive oil, ground pepper & Himalayan Pink salt. We enjoyed these over some quinoa with a little bit of liquid aminos added in. For a serving of protein, I threw on some mahi mahi. Veggies & quionoa left over like this is delicious thrown on a corn tortilla the next night!

I used to be really good at saying that eating clean was too complicated so my mission has been simple nutrition. Daily I strive to find ways to make eating clean just as simple as grabbing overly processed items filled with chemicals.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I did swap a yellow for wine last night with my mom. 

The best part is that I don’t even know if I actually finished my glass.

This morning I woke up feeling strong, lean, confident, excited and proud. Then, I crushed my workout & all those feelings multiplied greatly. The best part is knowing that tomorrow, they will multiply again.

Until Next Time~

There is something about a blank canvas. Or perhaps about a blank piece of paper.

You stare at it wondering what exactly you can create.It is a brand new beginning, a fresh start, an empty page, a new chance.

No, I am not one to set a New Years Resolution. I have tried many, many times and to be honest I am not sure I ever made it past the 7th day of January.

This blank piece of paper in front of you is not about a resolution for 2017.

But, perhaps it is a clean slate or maybe just a brand new beginning.

Sure, beginnings are always scary. No one knows what this new year will actually bring. Endings are typically on the emotional side. But the middle, that is the sweet spot.

The middle is where the magic can happen if we allow it.

You, my friends, are looking at a new page. Today, January 3rd, you are looking at page three out of 365 pages.

Can I ask you what you want to write when you arrive at page 365? What do you want that last page to say when you close out the year?

Do you want to write about your growth? Perhaps about all the goals you set? Maybe you want to scribe away at all the memories you created being more present this year?

Do you want to write about how you changed nothing despite the way you are feeling now? Do you want to scribe your regrets across that page? Do you want to still have your dreams trapped inside your head afraid to let them go any further?

Today is just day three. That blank canvas or that blank page is waiting for your story.

Go write it. Go draw it. Go live it.

That way when you arrive at page 365 you can smile because you lived. You stopped caring about what others might think of your crazy goals & your big dreams. You stopped being afraid that perhaps you might just fail. You stopped living your daily feeling miserable & you changed it.

I am on page three. You know I will scribe across every page I can because when I arrive at page 365, I want my pages filled with a hell of a story.

Until Next Time~