It is amazing to watch your own perspective shift. It’s disheartening to see how much you actually take something for granted without ever realizing you did.

The good ones are what I hold on to anymore. The good ones are the ones that I hope and pray for.

The other day I spent my lunch hour again on the trail. Slowly putting one foot in front of the other. Fighting, actually, to do just that. At one point, I looked down to see how very little I traveled with each stride.

Barely moving.

Baby steps.

I thought to myself that this did not matter. Direction mattered. The fact that I was simply going someplace mattered. I always believed that I truly appreciated the fact my body could move and run miles. Perhaps I did appreciate it, but I also took it for granted. A few months ago I was unable to go even a half of a mile; the simple gift of being able to move on some days is incredible. In that moment, on that trail, I told myself something that has been on repeat in my mind.

I look back on the past three years of my life. The common theme has always been:

“TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY.”

I said this to myself as I adjusted through divorce. I said this to myself through my daughter’s struggles with surgery on her colon. I said this to myself as she had to fight through horribly intense pain nightly that still makes me cry when I think about it. I said this as we adjusted her body again post another surgery.

Now, I’m finding myself saying it to her as she fights through a different pain nightly from a different condition she had as a baby that has returned.

I find myself saying it about my body daily. I have good days where I can walk {or sometimes “wog” because it’s easier on my tendon & calf muscle} two miles. I have other days in which moving in general is almost unbearable. I have days where I truly have to breathe deep and fight hard to just go a very slow mile filled with so many tiny baby steps.

I say it to myself when I am trying to breathe deep and hold it together when I see the fear in my daughter’s eyes; when I fight to answer her “why” questions and explain the next step, the next test, the next trial to her.

The good ones are a treasure. The good days when things do not seem to be so painful or so difficult, those days are such gifts. As for the difficult ones, I choose to believe that it is because of those that I can find the utmost appreciation for the good ones.

The difficult ones make us stronger. The difficult ones help us to love harder. The difficult ones help us to appreciate more.  They aren’t “bad” because every day is a gift.

At the end of the day, if it was a day that was a struggle, I will always hold on to the fact that tomorrow will be a better day.

Until Next Time~

Maybe you are like me; maybe you are not. Perhaps this is your favorite way of life.

For me, it is a struggle. I do not relax well. I always have a million things running around inside my mind. Being still is not something I have ever been able to do.

Starting this new journey of mine was terrifying. You see, my body was not designed for this. There are so many different issues and struggles I have; some we are still searching for the answers.

The first time I chose my word for that day, I chose: OPEN. I wanted to commit to staying open to this. Open to what my body could do; perhaps open to what it cannot do. I wanted to stay open to the idea; to the concept of what I was about to try. This was something for years I would tell people, “Oh, I cannot do that. I cannot be still, I have to move. Besides I cannot even touch my toes.”

This morning as I laid on my mat before class began, I was there. Still. Breathing. Turning inward. Become aware of tension in my body.

Here is what I am learning: when you are still, you can hear yourself; your heart; your soul. I find out what is heavy on my heart: where my thoughts lead to instantly. I have found moments where I could feel the tension begin to build inside my body and I have learned to breathe through it and release it.

I cannot control what goes on outside; but what I can control is what goes on inside of me.

I am learning that there are so many things I need to let go of and just be in the now. Not the past and not the future. Present.

Today I was next to the wall in the room and in one pose, I lost my balance and allowed the wall to catch me. I laughed at myself and for a brief second had the thought, “you suck at balancing.”

I let go of that thought quickly. Life constantly throws us out of balance. Daily. But, in those moments, all that really matters is that we fight to get back to the center. We allow ourselves to let go of the need to control it and just breathe and find ourselves in the moment again; letting go of that need to control what we have no control over.

Today I needed an escape. I needed to shut down the outside world. I cannot deny the weight on my heart with upcoming and ongoing medical issues inside my home for us girls. I needed to allow myself to let go of that; I needed to hide from it all. I needed to escape the many appointments scheduled, the pile of bills that all those appointments and tests accumulate to, the home that is cluttered and needs some love, the list of projects to be completed at work, the life decisions around the corner.

Still was needed. Sixty minutes of a perfect escape. Sixty minutes of letting go. Sixty minutes to just breathe. Sixty minutes of being present. Sixty minutes for just me.

Until Next Time~

When you experience a shift in mindset it is simply incredible.

I finally let go of my hope and dream to run another full marathon. I let go of the drive for miles and miles. Now, I am working through the resentment towards my body and learning to accept it for what it is today. I know that I do not have much control over what it is tomorrow or the next day or next year.

But, I can promise you that I will fight like hell to never give up on it again. I can promise that knowing I will get knocked down many more times, I will keep fighting to win.

I smile today knowing that I have brand new adventures awaiting me. I may have a small tear knowing that some will never happen. But, I am ready to find new things & discover the right ways to take care of MY body. I am ready to learn its restrictions but yet embrace the things it is able to do.

The scary part is that I know you have to leave your comfort zone in order to grow and well, growing is what I need.

One thing that I have always been scared of is yoga. Yoga would be amazing for my body. I am quite possibly the least flexible person in the world and do have even some limits with yoga, but my first step forward is trying out some hot yoga with my Groupon I just purchased.

Last night I did a foundation yoga workout at home and honestly, despite the fact I felt incredibly awkward doing it, when I was done I felt amazing!

This morning I got up early and did some yoga stretching & then set out for a mile walk…. y’all I have to say…

I feel freaking amazing. Like who knew walking + yoga could make me feel on top of the world? Because that is exactly how I feel and I haven’t felt like this in such a long time.

This is me; back to a positive mindset + ready to slay some goals.

Until Next Time~

Sometimes I am amazed at how I can sit down to write and not find a single word to explain how I feel. Writing has always been my answer, my solution. I have shared my story over the years not for you, honestly, but for me.

Can I be honest with you? This last year has been a struggle for me. To me it is crazy to think that just three years ago I was SLAYING goals on a daily basis. At that point in time, I was in the best shape of my life as a mid-30 year old mama.

Now here I am….I struggle to move. I get tired and am out of breath going up the stairs in my home. I have gained back so much weight that it honestly makes me want to cry. Some days I crawl up the stairs and most nights I cry myself to sleep due to the pain & discomfort.

If I was to be honest with myself, I am beginning to realize that I have spent the last year hating my body. I have hated the way it fights me; I have hated the way I do not have control over what I can and cannot do; I have hated the way it has changed its shape over the year.

Now, I know I am going to have some amazing people in my life remind me that the number on the scale does not define me & that my body is beautiful no matter the shape. I love you all for that, I do.

But, I am also being real here & I know that I am not alone about not loving what you see in the mirror every morning. I am not the only one who, at times, doesn’t love her body. {I wish I was!}

I have resented my body for the past year. Today, I went for a nice slow, leisurely walk at lunch which is about the extent of what I am allowed to do these days. While I was putting one foot in front of the other, like I have for years, I realized how I felt about my body. It hit me.

Falling in love with running a few years ago equaled me falling in love with myself. Running gave me a gift that very few people can ever comprehend. It made me feel alive. It helped me find myself. I was addicted to that feeling after a good run, where sweat was dripping, my heart was racing, my runners high kicking in and accepting an answer that I probably found while covering the miles.

Today I realized that now my body has limitation and restrictions and I am pissed off at it. But, I know that I need to let go of that passion of mine that made me feel alive, that addiction I am no longer able to chase after.

I need to let go and trust that I will find a new love, a new passion. I need to let go of that competitive athlete in me and I will need to find a new way to channel that piece of me.

More importantly, I need to accept my body for what it is and what it will never be again. I  need to let go of the shame I feel for gaining back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I am not and will never be a six-pack mama or hell, even a two-pack ab mama; which is totally cool with me!

What I will become is a woman who will learn to love her body all over again; a woman who will fight to find herself at a much healthier weight; a woman who will continue to fight for better medical options & answers; a woman who will no longer strive for perfection & will only strive for a simple real life.

So a new adventure awaits. The runner in me has run her miles, collected her medals & accomplished feats that many people will never even begin to try. But, now I look ahead to new challenges and new accomplishments. 

Until Next Time~

I will admit that for a while recently I was in kind of a dark place. I was depressed, cried multiple times a day, laid on my couch and didn’t…or couldn’t…move.

It is hard for me to remember the runner I once was. In all honesty, I look at pictures from my full marathon and it seems almost like such a blur that I must have imagined the entire thing up. There is no way I could run 26.2 miles.

I mean, right now I can barely get out of bed or off the couch. If you have never experienced constant daily pain, it wears you down. Not just physically. But emotionally, mentally. Most days all I really want to do is to cut off my foot so the pain can stop – the constant numbing/tingling/shooting pain.

But, thankfully I have some people in my life that loved me through my darkness and because they stood there helping, guiding, supporting & yes, squeezing my foot at times, today I feel as if I have found myself out of that dark place.

No, I still do not know exactly what is wrong. I will have testing done on all the nerves in both legs this next week.

More importantly, let’s chat about this morning. You see, any time that I lace up to workout I have zero idea what will happen. Some days I can fight through the pain and do some things; while others the pain can come on so strong and so great that stretching is about the limit.

This morning I laced up to go outside in the fresh air and the goal was to simply walk one lap around my development. The funny part is that trying to walk at a speed to be considered somewhat calorie burning, it actually pulls on my leg muscles (my calf muscles are too short for the deformity in my foot) so much worse & creates a raging fire inside. So, today, I thought: what the hell.

I decided to try to WOG. Yes, wog. It’s about the speed of a walk but in the form of a jog. This allowed me to take the smallest, shortest strides you may have ever seen. But, it allowed me to keep the fire in my calves to a much smaller degree.

So, no, I am not saying this was pain-free. The tendon in my foot/leg that they have talked about needing to transfer was pissed at me….but that is every day life. Some numbness/tingling happened in my foot.

But, I finally have realized that I need to love my body and appreciate it for everything it is and everything it is not. It is not easy to accept such a huge step backwards in term of my overall fitness level.

However, today I felt B.A. as I wogged ONE mile at a pace slower than you probably walk.

I’m damn proud y’all & I love my body today, pain and all, more than I did yesterday.

Never fear starting over. Accept those times you find yourself feeling as if you are all the way at the beginning. Any journey you take provides you with growth; think of just how incredible this one has the potential to be.

FYI – it took me 13:39 plus a pause on the stop watch at the half-way point to stretch out….so you’re looking at over 15:00 and still damn proud & feeling BA!

Until Next Time~

Three years ago when I began writing and actually sharing my writings, I promised to be real and raw.

I promised to be vulnerable, which means I promised to have the courage to show up and be seen. No matter what. No matter how scary it can be at times.

This week I have hid myself a bit. I have been stuck in a struggle. I told myself that I would not allow my hopes to get up as I approached a week with a few more doctor appointments. But, that just was not the way it played out.

Yesterday in the midst of total fear, disappointment, worry, stress I had the chance to be inspiring. I had the chance to show others my strength. But, instead I showed my weakness; I showed me.

After three appointments this week and a MRI of my spine, I climbed into my car leaving the last appointment for the week at 5:20 yesterday and immediately said, “I need a drink.” In that moment I was torn. I had prayed my spine would not be the cause as back problems seem to never go away, but yet at the same time, I still did not have an answer. There were even more questions asked and a few possible scenarios to look at that scare me immensely.

As we drove to the brewery, my tears fell down from behind my sunglasses. The fear and stress of still not knowing was too much. I posted on social media a picture of my flight of beers showing that it was how I was choosing to deal with the fact another week brought me no answers. Guess what? I also ordered a chicken wrap and sweet potato fries and enjoyed every bite. 

I almost hid my choices; I debated hiding my weakness in a time of defeat. But, this is me. I am just a mom who is NOT striving to be perfect. Life is too short to aim for perfection.

Currently, I am just a mom who has to explain to her doctors that she went from being an incredibly active woman to one who now just sits and lets life pass her by.

When your doctors officially label you as a “mystery” and no one can quite determine what is wrong it weighs on you. Living with this daily pain starts to make you feel crazy. You question what you feel, you question yourself when the doctors ask you questions, you just start to feel like you have officially lost it and no longer know anything. You’re tired in a way that sleep does not help.

You are depressed. You cry. You cry because you physically hurt. You cry because not knowing what is wrong with your body weighs so heavy on you. You just cry.

I keep thinking I should stop with “Krisha’s Quest” because I feel lost in my journey; I have no direction. All that I can share is that I am a mom who tries hard to love her own imperfections. I am just a mom who is not afraid to show she doesn’t always pick the healthiest options. I am just a mom who after stressful days or situations loves to enjoy a drink; especially while spending time with her people.

I am not the mom to follow if you want perfection. I am not the one to follow if you want someone to show they choose a salad and a water every day. 

For now, I carry on trying my best despite the emotional struggles that my physical body is causing. For now, I carry on at times hiding my tears behind sunglasses. For now, I carry on just trying to make it through each day and I can’t promise you a sweaty selfie every day. I can’t promise you a perfect healthy meal daily. For now, I just need to love my people big and I need to take care of me.

Medically, my doctors have increased my nerve medicine to a significantly higher dose and in two weeks I return to have nerve testing done on both of my legs and pray that maybe on that day, I will not have to continue being a mystery and perhaps we can learn something.

So, here I am. Sometimes I forget my goals because life happens. Sometimes I struggle with food being a comfort for me. Sometimes I am weak. But, all the time, I am me and I’m not afraid to admit that.

Until Next Time~

Hundreds of notebooks over the years hold my words, my thoughts. Ever since high school, I wrote. I would write when I was hurting; write when I was happy. I would write to work through the dark thoughts in my mind; I would write to remember the memories I wanted to hold close.

I write for many reasons. Here I write so I can remember what I have worked through, so I can remember what I accomplished, so I can remember the uphills and the downhills on this journey we call life.

I write for me. Often I do get messages that my words hit someone right in the heart and that makes the fear of vulnerability worth it.

Today, I am writing because I need to let go of what I am holding in and I need to inspire myself to move forward. Today, I am writing because I have allowed myself to shut down and I need to pull myself out of this place.

Here is the thing about sharing — you always know someone is going to read it and laugh at you or whatever thought may come into their mind but if there is one thing life has taught me is that you never can understand anyone’s journey. Really, most days I don’t even understand me let alone someone else. You cannot judge someone’s thoughts or feelings and you certainly cannot tell them how to feel.

Honestly, I have been in a dark place lately and I haven’t been able to shake it. I have struggled even getting on social media as I would literally turn to tears at the sweaty selfies I would scroll by but yet in a weird way I needed to see them too. They still inspired me. I knew the past few years that working out and those incredible endorphins helped me greatly emotionally and mentally. But, it has been the past few weeks that I have realized how much; it’s like my anti-depressant. It gave me so many positive vibes in more ways than I can explain and I will never be able to explain how much I miss it and need it.

My frustrations have been high and a feeling of hopelessness keeps winning. A year later and seven specialists and lots of physical therapy and every day my pain and discomfort continues to grow. I do not sleep well at night because my pain is too great. I feel helpless around the house because simple things like carrying a laundry basket up and down the steps does a number on me. Yesterday I found myself with tears down my face sitting at my desk at work because I hurt so greatly. It can range from feeling like a fire inside, to a knife stabbing in and twisting to complete numbing where I feel as if I cannot move my toes or at times, my leg. It’s in my thigh, my knee, my calf and down to my toes.

I know I need to see the positive that things have been ruled out. The MRI on my knee shows just normal wear and tear with some little signs of arthritis but nothing that would cause pain in someone like I’m experiencing. In other words, my knee is fine and is not the cause of these symptoms.

I have switched to a much better foot doctor that I trust a million times more which is another positive. We are trying one more attempt at something for a few weeks and then we will evaluate if any relief has come or if we need to discuss surgery more in-depth.

Both my knee doc and foot doctors agree the leg pain has nothing to do with the knee and that my foot is also not the source of all the pain I have. I have now been referred on to yet another specialist to have spine and nerves evaluated.

I struggle because the mom that I dreamed about being for years, the kind of mom I wanted to be that pushed me daily, is not the mom I am right now. Some days I have to tell my kids “no” when they ask if I can catch them pitching. We cannot lace up together and go for a fun jog, we cannot go out and play some basketball; we cannot even go out to the drive for a fun game of four square.

Despite my hopelessness last week after getting really no answers on Friday after two appointments and the urge to just say, “I give up,” I know I cannot. I have to keep pushing, I have to keep trying, I have to keep moving on to the next doctor until I can find a way to at least go back to playing a little more with my girls in the yard.

So, today, I write so that I can work out the frustrations and so that I can let go of the hopeless feeling. I write because through my words I see that as long as I am willing to keep trying, something great will be on the road ahead. I have no idea how long this road is going to be but I know I have to keep moving regardless of how slow my body forces me to go.

Until Next Time~