A year ago today I woke up filled with nerves & incredibly anxious but also very confident in the decision made to have moved forward. For over a year before I had lived in pain & tried every non-surgical option.

Sure, today I could sit here & second guess that decision knowing the outcome. But, I never believed that I would be in that tiny percent of someone whose life changes but not for the better.

I came out of surgery with my foot being completely reconstructed from my calf muscle down to my toes. It was within three days, that we became fearful that something was not right.

The first trip to the ER was for completely uncontrollable pain. I described the pain as feeling as if they were drilling up the bottom of my heel….before I actually knew that they had drilled into my heel when restructuring it.

For the next few weeks, I continued crying out in pain. My foot felt like it was on fire, it felt like electric currents in my foot. I could not touch my foot without screaming, I could not take a sock off. I also had the wound at the back of my heel that would not heal.

Eventually there was another trip to the ER where they sent me home giving me a double dose of morphine shots. When that did not touch my pain whatsoever, we had a bad feeling. This led to a follow-up with my surgeon explaining to me I had a rare nerve condition & he would send me on to a pain clinic.

Long story short, two days before we closed out 2017, I had been diagnosed with some horrific disease of my nervous system that I had never heard of but had no cure. Say what? Complex Regional Pain Syndrome {CRPS}. Four words that changed my life.

From there we tried so many different prescription medicines & constantly experimented with the dosages. We tried a total of seven injections. Nothing worked. I  had moments that I cannot even begin to find the words to describe them.

There were many moments where part of me had begun to lose hope. There were times where I was laying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night with pain so severe that I had become physically sick & was trying to hide this from my husband to protect him. I had moments where I traveled through my days hiding the tears in my eyes due to the fire in my foot from everyone around me.

Despite all the fear, the fight, the failed medical attempts, the only thing I knew that I had control over was my MIND. I had the choice to lay around in my pain & let it control my life or I had the choice to live my life with a very grateful heart.

Yes, it was so difficult for me to get out of bed every morning feeling as if there was this little devil living inside of me. But, at the same time, there was so much for my heart to feel the overflow of gratitude from. In these past twelve months, I got engaged to AND married the man of my dreams; a man that has shown me what true UNconditional love really is; a man that never let me feel alone on any of the ugly days. My daughters were both healthy, doing amazing, growing up, accomplishing so much & learning to be even kinder & more loving because of what they learned from this season; yes, they certaintly had many moments of struggles & anger at mom’s disease too.

But, really there was so much beauty even in the ugly.

Hard seasons come in our life. I knew it was my choice what to focus on in this season. Why this season entered my life, I do not know, but I do truly believe there was a reason for me to travel it & someday I will understand it all.

I am now on day eleven post my DRG Stimulator & although we are still taking it all one day at a time & I will be back soon to share my surgical story from this experience, there was something today that I  have to share.

For the past year, I could not stand the air to touch my foot. I mean, I slept with a sock on my left foot every single night. It would come off just as I stepped in the shower in the morning & a sock came back on right after I got out. Air made me scream. But also, blankets or sheets could not touch it. I slept half-way down my bed so I could hang my foot off the end of my bed & away from the chance the blankets could hit it.

Last night I crawled into bed with my pain in my foot at probably the lowest level it has been in a year so I put my big, ugly, bulky sock under my pillow. I told my husband that I was going to test it & see how long I could go before I had to put it on, but we were already thrilled that my foot was UNDER the blankets right at that moment.Last night, for the first night in a year I never put a sock on my foot.

Excuse me now while I literally have tears running down my face from that sentence.

Until Next Time~

If you ask me how I am doing these days….numbers. I have sticky notes on my desk at work….numbers. I have a to do list….numbers.

If you see me today & you ask me how I am doing, chances are good my response will be, “17.” Tomorrow, I will answer with “16.”

Recently I started a morning routine in thanks to my new favorite author/speaker/we could so be friends, Rachel Hollis. I write down some dreams, or goals, I have but I write them down in the present tense like they have already happened or are happening now.

For a week, I have written:

I am a DRG stimulator success story.

In seventeen days, I will have that piece of equipment inside my body. It is kind of odd to count down the days to surgery with such joy. In fact, my youngest daughter even made that comment yesterday, “mom, you’re really counting down the days for a surgery?” said with total confusion.

I had to explain to her why that is. I will admit that sometimes I cannot wrap my head around this process. I look back to just four years ago when I was literally in the best shape of my life & today I sit here with an extra sixty pounds & a body that will now need an electronic device inside to function better; some days to function period.

Some days I am okay with that & others, to be completely honest with you, I struggle with that.

Numbers….I also have one on my desk that reads “11” to remind myself of the million things I need to complete at work before I am off for a little bit.

If I actually numbered my to-do list, I might be at line #99,997 or at least that is how I feel when I look at it! For 8-12 weeks I am only allowed very minimal movements & no bending, twisting, reaching or lifting anything over three pounds.

Speaking of, my husband also cannot lift anything over two pounds with his left hand due to shoulder surgery last week. Yes, we make a great team! However, I am happy to report that he is doing great & I am in more pain than he is every night we crawl into bed.

All I know is that I am going to keep writing these on my daily list of ten dreams/goals until each one comes true:

• I am a DRG stimulator success story
• I do not take prescription meds for my CRPS
• I am a runner
• I am healthy, strong + energetic

Until then, 17.

I lost my crap. I did.

I am a giver. I am an independent stubborn woman who every single day wakes up with the intention of being a great wife & mom. I am a lover & I love big. I show that love by taking care of my people.

This week it has hit me hard. Like, I think I ran into a brick wall at full speed.

I no longer know how to balance this life. I used to be EXCELLENT at balancing all the things & that included, very much so, taking care of ME too. I was not forgotten. I made time in the day just for me, I worked out, I knew what “self-care” meant.

Now, I have CRPS {Complex Regional Pain Syndrome} & I’m not the same person. In fact, I really have no idea how to take care of me anymore.

The other day my husband said, “take care of you,” & it hit me. How do I?

Every morning, I stumble out of bed after shutting off my alarm & oversleeping. My foot hits the floor & instantly I want to scream but I know that I have to keep moving. I take off the big bulky sock I have to wear to bed being that I cannot handle the air touching my foot to see that the color of my foot is still abnormal & the swelling did not go down at all overnight.

Somehow or another, I pull myself together to help my girls get ready & we leave the house in a hustle. I carry on at work & then run my girls all over in the evenings or catching every athletic meet or game all with a smile. We walk in the door in the evening & the kitchen is calling my name. There is food to make or prep, lunches to be packed, dishes to clean & then homework to assist with.

By the time I get my shoes off & my foot up it is too late in the evening. Now, my foot is huge, funky colors & the pain level is out of this world. That is when the sleepless night begins.

As a matter of fact, the last three nights I have cried myself to sleep due to pain.

Can I be honest? I was not only crying due to the pain. But, due to fear. I finally got the courage to say it out loud last night to my husband, “the pain is spreading.”

That was horribly difficult to say to you all. Fear.

Yes, CRPS can spread anywhere & for some people it spreads everywhere. For me, I have been pretty lucky that it was just in my foot & not always felt in the entire foot.

However, I now feel it throughout my entire foot & my calf. I try so hard to not walk with a limp as I know that is terrible for the rest of my body but the calf pain is making this harder yet. The muscle spasms have increased significantly also recently.

I am clearly not a doctor so how the sympathetic nervous system relates to the brain is so far over my head but I do know that because of all this insomnia, agitation, depression & irritability are extremely common in CRPS patients.

That was me last night. I lashed out. At my daughters. I was so far past exhausted & in pain so great that I wanted to have my face hidden in a pillow screaming. In the conversation, however, I did explain to them how mom was struggling right now with her CRPS & that I just needed a little grace. I told them that I give well over 100 percent to be everywhere & be everything they needed & I now needed some respect from them to help me a little.

Yesterday, my mood suffered. I felt all those things above in such a strong way.

Yes, I did still make my list of ten things I was grateful for but I cannot deny my pain was winning. Without that list, the day would have been so much more difficult to make it through.

Today, I sit here wondering how & what self-care looks like for me. I love taking care of everyone, I love being the crazy full-time working sports mom who people always wonder how she does it all.

I struggle to admit my weaknesses now, I hate saying, “I need help.” I feel, truly, like I have lost so much of ME & I am still working through all that.

I am going to sit with these feelings I have right now. I am going to navigate through them. The fear I feel is real; the uncertainty & the difficulties ahead are there.

However, I do know that this season is going to lead me, lead us, to wonderful things. My husband has shoulder surgery next week & the roles will flip as he becomes the patient. In just twenty-nine days I go in for a surgery that will hopefully change my life.

Until then, I am going to try to find a better balance & a little self-care somewhere in all of this, in this crazy season & try to discover a few more pieces of me.

This season will take me places.

{But, now I will probably sit a bit in a vulnerability hangover as admitting I’m afraid is so hard for me.}

This is life with chronic pain; this is what it’s like for those that try our best to fight through our days.

Until Next Time~

I forgot. In that moment, I forgot that I have been sitting here before. Feeling this way. Sitting right in the middle….

I sat there feeling completely overwhelmed…not really sure I could handle much more. This house that I have to spend my life in feels almost as if the walls are crumbling and there is nothing strong & sturdy left.

Later I was reflecting on life & all that comes with it as I laid in pain with tears rolling down my cheeks, I have been in a place like this before. I remember feeling like I was out in the middle of the ocean & I could see the shoreline but I felt too exhausted to keep swimming. I was bobbing up & down the water line before I suddenly remembered…

I am here again in the middle. In the mess. In the storm.

The problem with the middle is you really have no idea how long it might last, you cannot see how soon before the storm will let up or pass all together. But, the middle is where you grow.

You can never skip the middle, the storm. That is the moment you get to be your own hero. That is when you must rely on your faith to carry you when you cannot see ahead of you.

I am in the middle. My body is sick, my home is sick. I cannot say the words, “I’m sick” because….well, it’s just my body. I’m strong & stubborn as can be. The list of symptoms I am experiencing in a day would shock most but I carry on with a smile. I have too many meds that I hate & cannot wait for the day I no longer carry multiple pill bottles in my purse.

Next week I get to have back to back days of sedation. The first day I get to have a scope….oh happy day….not. The second day is my first of two injections that my pain specialist is hoping will give me a little temporary relief while I wait until my surgery for my permanent DRG stimulator.

So, right now, I am stuck in the middle with my surgery date being the rainbow that follows the storm. The other day, I became full of fear that I was focusing so much on my stimulator being the answer and what if? What if the permanent one doesn’t work? What if it doesn’t give me any relief? What if…what if…what if?

Then, I remembered when you are in the middle, you must have faith over fear. No, I cannot see the answer(s) ahead, I have no idea what could happen next but I know that I have to have faith. I have to believe that all I am traveling through right now is helping me grow into the person I need to be, that He intended me to be, on whatever comes after this storm.

So, I will keep swimming in the middle of the ocean. I will hold up the walls on this body, this home, of mine from the inside. I will keep faith above my fears and you should know, when I come through the middle {the mess} my smile will still be there but I won’t be the same person. I will have grown even more into the person I was meant to be.

Now for some self-care Friday lunch hour edition. Nails + Starbucks was so needed.

Also….day two hair is perfect for Fridays!

Until Next Time~

I started this morning up before 5:30 excited for the end of the week to be here. I was feeling good! Yesterday I felt on the edge of a total mental breakdown; but I started today with a new perspective……but, sometimes things can take a tumble. Quite literally.

Quickly that list I run through my mind daily of the things I’m grateful for began.

There are certain daily things that are hard for me to do now with my CRPS. Sometimes those things are related to my medicines and other times, it is because of the disease. But, simple daily functions are not easy; things I once could do without even thinking or never realized what a blessing it was that I could do them. Life without a constant mental fog or inability to focus, life without feeling so exhausted simply by trying to push through.

You know, some people want to climb a mountain or run a marathon. However, right now for me, I just want to be able to go down the stairs like “normal.” Any kind of downward motion, walking down a hill or down steps, is incredibly difficult. Each foot touches each stair, there is no left foot on one step & the right foot on a different one. The mobility in my foot is not there; it simply cannot do it. Honestly, steps are my worse enemy that I have to face every day.

It has been my goal for months now to walk down these stairs without taking me minutes to reach the bottom; without having to really think about each move. This morning I posted an Instagram story saying “Happy Friday!” I went on to chat on how I used different eye shadow, I had in sassy earrings & a new top. I was feeling good, like today was a good day.Within minutes, my day took a turn. More like a tumble.

I was taking my time going down our wooden steps when suddenly my bad foot locked up & got caught and down I went literally tumbling down at least seven steps. I do not mean I slid down them. I rolled, like a kid rolling down a hill…my face hitting them several times. I stopped once I hit the floor & my body was thrown into a plant that sits in the corner. My head nailed the pot to stop the roll.

Like I said, steps are my daily enemy. Today they took me down. Needless to say, for a while I think I will go back to scooting on my butt down them.

Luckily my new shirt I was so excited about in my Instagram story was from Walmart because it was ripped & now had blood spots.

My body hurts; my lip is fat, my mouth cut up inside. There is a massive bump on my forehead & cheek; a cut by my nose. My elbow has a deep gash on it, my shoulder looking like a good rug burn. My lower back is killing me as well as…..okay, everywhere else.

My foot, we are not even going to talk about my foot. We are going to try to focus on the rest of my body pain….or I may not move. Here is the deal: I spent time crying, in pain & in frustration. I was pissed at my body because I cannot move like I want to or like I once could. I hate how hard it is to do certain things, “easy things.”

But then, I became grateful that I could call into work (my brother & dad) to let them know I needed some extra time. I became grateful for the makeup vanity that my husband went & picked up for me to have in our room so I don’t have to stand to get ready. Sitting there to catch my breath & touch up my face was huge.

The third thing I was grateful for in this moment was a husband who quickly insisted that he could come right home to check on me. I told him I was fine a hundred times before he finally said okay. That man is always there for me in so many ways.

In changing my shirt, I realized today was the perfect day to pull out my new CRPS Warrior shirt. This disease has done so much to my body, changed my life in more ways than I can ever explain here on a blog, made my days a struggle but I just cannot let it win. I’ll keep working on my mobility in my foot, to make any downward motion smooth and possible.

A tumble cannot keep me down & this disease will not stop me from living my best life.

Until Next Time~