I did not see it coming.
I should have.
I sat up for hours in the middle of the night with deep thoughts, words buried in my soul that I had to write.
But, today, the wave was overwhelming.
Today I sat in church with tears running down my face.
I hid my eyes behind my hair praying no one would see the emotions.
The girl, this girl, who can usually find words to explain how she feels was left speechless.
I don’t know what all was running through me.
But, the words, the words of the songs took ahold of me.
I stood there feeling unworthy.
I felt broken.
I felt lost.
I felt dark.
I felt hungry & thirsty for His words.
Words I haven’t filled myself with in quite some time now.
It amazes me how sometimes we find ourselves right where we need to be.
I received the message with an open heart.
I snuggled my precious nephew as he slept so peacefully.
I opened my mind.
It was the message I needed to hear.
He loves me.
He likes me.
He is always for me.

Until Next Time~
*krisha*
  

First of all, I have to say THANK YOU so much for those who sent Laynee & I messages the past week & checked on us throughout the week! Many of you will never understand how much your kindness meant & how much it filled the void from some we never heard from. I am blessed with some incredible friends, truly.

We got home last night after a long week. Last week, when we arrived I had a two hour lecture to attend in which I walked away with knowledge & an understanding I had yet to experience, but also feeling overwhelmed. Our Thursday morning began with a couple of tests in which more pieces to her puzzle were found & again more understanding on her issues. I was grateful for the technicians to show me right there & then on the images of her little body so I could visualize it all. 

After that, we met with the clinic team where we discussed all of our history, the things we have tried, what we have failed with or what we have found a little success with. Again, a very in-depth explanation of why her body struggles the way it does, how the shape of certain parts in her lead us to these issues & a plan. A promise that if I am willing to work with them we will get her to living a more positive lifestyle. 

I learned how important her diet is going to be for her life. This is that part where mom feels the pressure to focus on or years down the road, she is in for some not fun troubles, but if we can stay on top of it now the chances are good she can avoid some of that in her older years.

With the clinic staff, I decided to try the medicine regimen; the other option was enemas which Laynee has already been doing twice a day for the past 7 months. The clinic’s goal here is to help every kid find the right “cocktail” the right dosage to help these kids function better. This happens with a daily x-ray every morning of the clinic & full-detailed daily reports to your nurse practitioner. Then, the clinic staff meets daily to review each kid & determine if the daily dosage needs to be altered or if we are on the right track. It really is a very hands-on team. 

Daily, we made adjustments. Daily, Laynee & I had struggles. Daily, she experienced some pain. Nightly, we woke up with issues & painful cramps & were awake for quite some time. Daily, she had tears & most days mom had tears she hid from her little bear. Daily, I explained to her that we needed to trust the doctors & to trust the process; even though mom was struggling with that herself. Daily, I promised her if she could work with me & focus with me, together we would get better.

We heard about three different surgical options while there that if we cannot correct it with these last few options that could come to the table for her. However, right now, this mama is very passionate about working her ass off to not lead us to that place. I will have continued communication with her nurse practitioner, & the occasional x-ray here in Grand Rapids, I am tracking everything she does & all the food she eats to ensure she is eating properly. I will give my little bear every ounce of focus & attention I have & pray that she & I can work together to hopefully improve her lifestyle. For eight days I have tracked & focused on her almost every minute of her day & will not stop until I feel that we are finally moving forward to success. 

We were able, with a whole LOT of patience on my part & her part, to squeeze in some fun stops. Many of them we had to bust out before we could explore it all but we still tried our best to enjoy! I never knew how cool Columbus was! So many fun things! 

We missed our Jacee greatly, always wishing she was with us. Every night we FaceTimed her & could see how much she missed us in her eyes & written on her little sweet face. But, she was well-loved here at home, but oh the girl hug the three of us shared yesterday brought tears to this mama’s eyes!

I cannot even begin to express how much this little bear amazes me. I reflected back a lot this week to day one of her life. All the appointments; the different specialists, her pediatrician & even the feeding clinic we had to attend; she & I attended from a week old to seven months old when I sat there in the surgeon’s office & looked in her little eyes & knew she was sick & made the decision to proceed with her surgery. I took home a new baby a week after that surgery. Then, for the past almost four years we have struggled with this & also her sleep apnea with her tonsils & adenoids out last summer. I thought about all the IVs she has had in her & how much she fights the nurses to have them in, but when it comes time to take them out – my little bear amazes the nurses as she peels off every piece of tape & takes the IVs out on her own like an expert. 

Through it all, she’s stayed pretty positive & will often say “this is just the way God made my body. I don’t know why he did, but he did,” with a smile. 

She is my feisty little fighter, a strong girl who no doubt is going to lead life shining a very positive light to those around her. I’m so blessed to be her mama. 

So this weekend, my little bear & I will continue to work together & tweak what we need to & make some adjustments to her diet. We both understand that sometimes things get worse before they get better. We both know we will have more days filled with struggles & days of tears. Together, we will hold hands & have faith in the process & in each other. 

My little bear & I, also known as “Team Laynee,” are off again on an adventure, a search for answers.

Daily, I thank God for a healthy child. I know what we are fighting is nothing compared to what others have to endure.

But, at the same time it hasn’t been easy. It’s been stressful, scary, frustrating, and does cause some serious issues or problems.

Almost four years ago, Laynee lost control of her bladder & later a lack of control of her bowels followed.

We have tried many different medicine regimines, followed diets & even physical therapy.

The two of us  have traveled hours away to see specialists, we have seen numerous here in Grand Rapids as well. We have had some scary tests done to rule out certain cancers; we have had two MRI’s done to check her spine & her brain. We have ruled out many, many scary possibilities. We have found some of the problems, some of the issues, but still some are unanswered.

There are many different pieces to the puzzle that are not always easy for mom to keep straight & pieces that cause doctor appointments to last so long as one piece can affect another in an opposite direction. I put a lot of pressure on myself knowing if one piece isn’t kept under control, her life-long complications could be horrible.

I took her to PT for months & watched on her computer screen how her muscles work against her & for whatever reason, her brain cannot connect to the muscles to make them work correctly. She would try always giving 100 percent with no success. We would walk out of PT with her so frustrated & sad & wanting to know why her body was this way.

There have been so many days of tears, frustration, anger, embarrassment, and fear for her that at times all I can do is hug her & tell her I love her. A few months ago as we were at a point where progress was going backwards & my once pretty positive bear turned into a very negative one, I knew I need to push again for better answers. Her self-confidence was dropping, she was so scared of being at school, frustrated that she would never get better & a constant sad “I’m sorry mommy” to me even though I always told her she had nothing to be sorry for.

We met with a pediatric surgeon here in GR & started 6 months of research with him. We have gone through some different steps, different trials. Right now, we have been able to significantly lower daily accidents with her current regimine but it was just a temporary option, a step to trial & error her body. It is not something she can do long-term, in fact the last two weeks has caused some issues & some strong pain.

Her surgeon here has referred us to one of the best Children’s hospitals for kids with these issues at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. She & I begin another adventure for the next eight days there for a clinic where she will undergo some testing, we will trial & error some medicine options or regimines, meet with some awesome specialists & meet with one of the experts on the sacral nerve stimulation procedure to see if that  surgery could be an option for my bear.

We would love some prayers for our safe travels for us, some prayers that we can find more answers & a better, healthy lifestyle. Prayers for this mama to settle her nerves a little, I’m a little on the anxious side. Also, prayers for my little miss Jacee who is already missing mom & today is her birthday! 

My beautiful girl, Jacee, is such a light. Her heart is so pure & honest, she’s intelligent, hard working, positive thinker, a goal-setter….she is just all around amazing! 

The best gift ever was when God made me a mama.

Jacee & I have a very close relationship. A very open & honest relationship. The girl is so incredibly observant that you have no choice but to be honest because chances are she probably already knows the truth! Definitely a child that keeps this mama on her toes all day long! 

I thank God daily for the bond I have with this girl & I pray as she grows, our bond continues to grow too. We can sit on her bed & talk for hours about very important topics or we can chat about absolutely nothing. She is definitely my biggest fan & I am hers. 

For Mother’s Day, she brought home this fun activity from school for her & I to do:

Sunday evening we snuggled up on her bed & did this. A simple activity that was filled with reminders of what is important in life. 

Not your job. Not your phone. Not your housework. Not your TV shows.

The people you have been blessed with. 

For the red m&m, her answer was so simple:

 

It’s almost midnight & awake I sit. My alarm is going off in 4ish hours for my morning workout.

But I am lost in a million thoughts. A million questions. The problem: I definitely do not have a million answers.

Do you work on you? Do you take time out of your schedule to get lost in your own thoughts, prayers, questions, memories or dreams? Do you self-check to see if there are answers or questions or maybe even dreams buried deep inside that you are keeping buried? Do you work on you?

At times I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends and in the middle in this crazy world. Do you?

Last month as I embarked on a new adventure, professional development came back into my life.  I was assigned a book to read daily with some other assignments.

I fell in love.

I fell in love with working on me. I have read the book twice already. So many areas in my life I could apply it. It stirred many things up in my mind & in my heart.

Truth is, other than writing here randomly, I have not taken the time to work on me in years & years. To develop myself. To learn more about me. To push myself. To keep growing as a woman, as a mom.

I see that I am a person afraid of the unknown, afraid to not be in control of my life but yet I also am starting to see how I have been standing in the perfect place to take a leap of faith & to grow living life truly to the fullest.  There are dreams & passions in my life that have tugged at my heart strings for years but out of fear of failure I have not allowed the dreams to become goals.

I used to believe I was not enough. Now, I feel restless & passionate & want to live a bigger life.

We were all created with a purpose. We were all created to shine. Do you know what your purpose is? Or are you like me & still searching? Do you think you might know what it is but you feel like your shoes are stuck deep in the blacktop on the road that is named “FEAR”?

I am digging deeper into me even more. Tonight I read a line that will stick with me forever:

So my post was going to be a simple post on my half-marathon recap. 
But, since Sunday & crossing that finish line, I have had a lot of thoughts. 
A lot of emotions have gone through me. 
A lot of looking back. 
But, even more looking forward.
Look at this picture: 

In 2013 I started running again after recovering from shoulder surgery. I had to start all over from zero. But, I was already registered for a half-marathon for that October after having to defer my 2012 registration because of surgery. 

I hated running.
Like every ounce of me hated it. 
I had to work all the way back up to being able to run one mile after having to sit with very limited movement for 6 months. I struggled & I wanted to quit.
But, I knew I had a goal so I kept trying. 
I ran my half-marathon. I was weak. I was slow. I was overweight. I compared myself to every runner that passed me on the course. I compared my time & said I was too slow to be called a “real runner.” I told myself I didn’t look like a “real runner,” I didn’t have a runner’s body.

However, I rode my high from the race. I was proud that I had done it & as I said “when is the next run?” after the race, I still did not love the run; but I loved the race atmosphere. 

What was holding myself back was that I was weak – mentally. I didn’t give myself credit, I compared & I knocked myself down.

But, that girl took a single step forward from a standstill. That alone takes strength. She continued to take a million baby steps in a forward direction. Every step she took fueled her momentum. Her momentum kept her rolling giving her the determination & the strength to create healthy habits, to break up with her negative habits, and to stay consistent with the choices she made on a daily basis. Staying consistent no matter how much that girl wanted to give up is what has kept the momentum moving; this is what has allowed her to grow as much as she has.

Fast-forward to this weekend:
During the race on Sunday, I thought about how much I truly love the run. I thought about how strong I felt mentally & physically. I thought about how much pride I had in myself to keep pushing myself, to keep putting myself out there with chances to fail. 

I felt amazing during the race (until mile 12 I started to lose some steam). My Nike watch was not tracking distance so I shut that off which was the best thing for me because I could not look at it & stress over how slow or fast I was going. All I could do was listen to my body. I enjoyed every mile; the fans, the fun signs, the other runners. 

I ran much of the race with a lady I will never forget; being in her space while running inspired me. I was not sure her age, but I searched her bib number after the race to find she was older than I thought at 74 years old. I followed right behind her for a few miles thinking “I want to be like her when I grow up.” We ran side-by-side almost for awhile & eventually I lost her. I waited near the finish line hoping to see her & I truly wanted to give her a hug & tell her she inspired me greatly, but somehow I missed her. One of my favorite parts about races is the inspiration you can find – I absolutely love it. 

My best friend who also once said she could never run a half-marathon & was told over her years she could not be active due to asthma was also inspiring. This girl has made an incredible transformation in the past year & she finished her first half on Sunday despite seven miles of incredible knee pain. Even with the pain, she has now registered for the 25k in three weeks. She once said “I can’t do that” & know she says “I can.” 

There was a time for many, many years that I measured myself against all the wrong things. I used all the wrong measuring sticks.

I walked into a room & measured myself against all the other women in the room.

I have this friend….who has become my rock in the past year. She has supported me, encouraged me, picked me up off the group, laughed with me, hugged me & has loved me despite my many mistakes or flaws. She recently has found her magic by stepping out of her comfort zone last summer & has been such an inspiration to me & many others….watch out because this girl could kick your butt! This friend has sent me countless random texts with funny jokes or simple words of encouragement on some dark days, always reminding me she was there for me. She is a true giver & has treated me like I am a member of her family. I am blessed by this friendship & so thankful for her being my rock. 

I have this friend….who from miles away has been an inspiration to me & a reminder that my future can be beautiful. She is such a wonderful mama & wife & successful at her career! We are both out chasing each other on our runs weekly; always keeping the other moving forward! This is that friendship where you can go years without seeing each other but the strength of the friendship never diminishes. 

I have this friend….who a few years ago, just like me, decided to put on a pair of tennis shoes & try running. I warned her she might fall in love. She has had to fight through injuries that have sidelined her as well as other life events that sidetrack us. But, with every fall, she always gets back up & fights again. She is that friend who “gets” my love for running & understands the importance of it. She knows the level of crazy I can feel when I miss my runs or knows the peace I can find out there. We both know that no matter how hard times are, one foot goes in front of the other! I think I had tears of pride for her when she recently crushed a 5k at her fastest PR yet!

I have this friend….who reached out to me months ago knowing something was “off” with me. She listened to me, gave me advice & led me to the Bible with just the right scriptures when I needed them. She has encouraged me in my faith, guided me, been an inspiration for me. Another one with simple texts that just say “praying for you today, friend.” Nothing more, simple words that warmed my heart & in return I would thank God for giving me friends like her. 

I have these friends….my circle….who believe in the same things, with values the same. But, more importantly, they are all friends that are thinkers & doers. They all inspire me in different ways, but they push me to grow. They continually push me out of my comfort zone. They do not judge me for my mistakes or failures; they accept me & love me just for who I am. 

My circle has changed; I did not realize how many would not want to be in my next chapter which hurts. But, I truly believe you need to surround yourself with those who you want to be like: the doers, the believers, the inspirations. People who do things, not people wishing they were or comparing to another. People who just want to be who they are supposed to be & not try to be like anyone else. People who love you regardless of how many mistakes you made, despite your imperfections, & will listen even when you do not want to talk. 

I am blessed; blessed with many wonderful friendships that have carried me through my dark days & will be there to dance in the sunshine. 

Until Next Time~
*krisha*