There was a day, many days actually, where I lived with such insecurity. I used to be so fearful; fearful of sharing my story; fearful of what others thought about me; fearful of never measuring up to the person sitting next to me.

The only cure to fear is to take action. That is the only way to get over our fears. So this is me taking action.

When I began telling my story 18 months ago, I promised to be real. To be authentic.

So…. I took a new “before” picture Monday morning for my new Facebook Accountability group beginning. This time I took it in my swim suit which does not cover up as much of me as my compression pants & sports bra.

Well, it was a time I had to be honest with myself.

I am not where I want to be.

For whatever strange reason on Monday I decided to look back at my pictures from a year ago. In my swim suit.

I sat there coming face to face with the truth because as I tell my challengers, a picture never lies.

For a minute, as I was looking my old habits started to creep back in. You know the “you’re such a failure,” voice.

Luckily, now I am smart enough to stop it & made myself do some evaluation that would actually help me.

The last year of my life….

I became single again. I worked through heartbreak. I worked through forgiveness. I worked through many dark, stormy days. I worked through the strong-willed side that wanted to stay closed off to others forever & instead learned how to allow love in again.

I worked through juggling the maintenance & the upkeep of a home on my own. I learned how to only depend on myself & juggle all the girls activities on my own. I learned how to manage to get all the daily household jobs done on top of the rest of my day. I learned how to financially support the girls & keep our home.

I fought & fought for my daughter’s health. I spent over a month out of the state for her medical needs between a handful of different trips. I made trips to the ER with her. I cared for her through two surgeries away from home & was on my own for those scary moments. I struggled being alone & caring for her with my food choices, it was whatever I could grab extremely fast or whatever would calm my fears. I cried myself to sleep for those months in between surgeries where the intensity of the hell she had to go through every night broke me in so many ways. I spent so much energy tracking every second of her life, trying to put pieces together & fighting with her doctors as I pushed knowing something was not right. I stressed over it all. I made so many trips with her to doctors & for x-rays. It was all I could think of for days straight & kept me awake at night.

I struggled with a schedule & with finding time. I had to find a way to make Laynee’s new lifestyle & nightly regimen work into our lives. I had to make adjustments in our days. I had to find a way to be the rock for both of my girls, but yet find a way to take care of myself too.

I struggled with being heartbroken when I realized there was no way I could train for another full marathon & had to close down that goal. I struggled finding that balance. I struggled finding my program. I struggled with keeping myself a priority because I was trying to help so many others.

I struggled with my old habits creeping back in. I struggled going back to using food as comfort; as my drug to take the edge off, the stress away or to help me forget about the feelings I was struggling with. I found myself in moments fighting the old Krisha.

At the beginning of those 18 months, I struggled even eating; I would not eat. I was dealing with so much inside that I was not hungry & ignored the fact my body needed fuel.

Yes, all this & I still stand here & tell you I am a health + fitness coach, even though I am not where I want to be, even though I traveled backwards.

Why? Why do I share this? Because I know I am not alone. I know you are there too & if you are not right now, you’ve been standing here in this same spot.

When I evaluated all the life that happened, big life, in the past year I realize how much I had happening, how much I traveled through, how many pages I wrote, how many tears I shed, how many memories I left in the past.

But, I also see how much I grew, I see how much I gained, I see how much I loved & I see all the dreams I have for my future.

So, here I am, coming clean & admitting that I have traveled backwards. But, I am also standing here & telling you I won’t sit here & beat myself up over it. I won’t tell myself I’m a failure. I won’t tell myself I’m ugly or rip apart my body. I won’t tell myself I can’t do it again or why bother trying.

I will tell you that I am moving forward to where I want to be. I have grown & have learned so much in the past year that is going to help fuel me forward. I have educated myself daily on nutrition, exercise, and on how to be the best me & I am ready to put this all into action.

I will tell you I started fresh on Monday. I will tell you where I am going is to a healthier + happier *k* every single day.

Also, I am taking you with me. Are you ready? I don’t want to do this alone!

Until Next Time~

Hitting publish on this blog post has me literally sick to my stomach. For days I have been writing this post in my mind, random thoughts & notes scribbled here and there.

Saturday evening while out, my best friend & I began talking about transformation pictures. Well, I have this one that I have never shared….

It is me with both of my daughters when my youngest was two weeks old; over seven & a half years ago. It was taken for use as my starting picture as it was that day I had walked into Weight Watchers. The woman in the picture wants to hide, she is trying to cover herself up with her children. Can you see that?

I have it saved on  my phone & glance at it from time to time.

When I pulled it up Saturday night not one person I was with knew it was me.

It dawned on me that I have hid part of my story. The true beginning. The part I would like to have buried away.

It made me realize maybe many don’t know where I really started. Maybe you don’t know how hard it was for me to take that first step that felt like the hardest step of my life. Maybe you don’t know I once stood where you might be standing right now.

Please notice how I am hiding behind the girls in every shot or hiding in sweatshirts & in jeans in summer!

I remember that day when I read my starting weight being just barely under 200 pounds I wanted to cry, I wanted to hide. I kind of just wanted to run out the door because a big part of me thought I was just starting a journey that was hopeless.

That new mom of two beautiful girls could not have told you anything she liked about herself. She was so tired & lazy; she abused the heck out of her body & treated it like dirt. She was so embarrassed for letting herself go the way she had; she felt like a failure.

Maybe you don’t know that I spent the first 33 years of my life sweating in jeans in 90 degree summer weather because I would not wear shorts. I was so self-conscious that all I wanted to do was stay hidden.

Maybe you don’t know that you would rarely see me with a swimsuit on for so many years & by chance if I had a suit on, you better believe I did not take my cover-up off.

Maybe you don’t know the girl that was once a solid athlete struggled to walk a mile at one point. Maybe you don’t know that I slowly worked up to being able to run a mile without stopping. I would do maybe a tenth of a mile run and then a walk break, then a little run again, and then a walk break.

Maybe you don’t know I wore big baggy workout pants & tops. Maybe you don’t know I said I could never ever wear compression or running pants.

Maybe you don’t know I was shopping in the plus section.

Maybe you don’t know that I would get on the scale & cry; I would look in the mirror & cry.

Maybe you don’t know that I could shove food in my mouth so fast & in such volume as I turned to food like a drug; hoping that drug would bury how I felt.

Maybe you don’t know how I felt the day my doctor looked at me and told me I was obese and needed to do something.

Maybe all you see is the person I am today. The one that shows her physical progress & wears compression pants & tight tank tops to work out.

Maybe all you see is the woman who has ran a handful of half-marathons & even a full-marathon not knowing she once struggled to walk a mile, let alone run one.

Maybe all you can see now is the woman who loves herself & cannot imagine the person who used to tear herself up & down & hated everything about herself.

Maybe you see someone who takes pictures all the time never realizing there are many years where you cannot find a single picture of me & if you find one, you better believe I am trying to be hidden behind someone or something; like the ones above.

My story has been a journey with many hills; times I might have been able to coast downhill but the uphill battle made me almost want to quit. There were times I fell off the wagon & definitely times I failed at some goals. There were times I wanted to quit completely. There were times I did not think I would ever get to a place where I felt good about myself, let alone a place where I felt truly happy with myself.

So, when you see me I hope you see all of me. I don’t want to keep the beginning buried anymore. I hope you see the woman who started way back there. I hope you see that there have been struggles, failures, tears & a lot of fear. I hope you truly see a woman who started & has not quit. A woman who knows her body & health is a gift from God & it should be treated as that. I hope you see a woman who values herself. I hope you see a woman who has had to work hard; there is no easy, quick fix to healthy.

But, what I truly hope is that if you are standing where I was seven years ago that you see what is possible. I hope you see that maybe there is fear in my eyes, but in my heart was courage & determination. I hope you see that with hard work, passion and accountability can change your life.

I hope you see it is possible. I hope you see it is necessary.

Because it is. Am I at the smallest I have been in recent years? No, I’m not. But I am at my healthiest. I am a healthy weight, my body is strong, my body is active, I can operate through my long days with energy, I have a positive relationship with food and dang it, I feel amazing & dang proud.

I look back to remind myself of how far I have come. So I can see the growth I have had, the scale victories but also the non-scale wins too.

My hope for you is that you start now. Begin your journey now, do not waste another day feeling the way I once did. You cannot wish for this to happen, you have to get up & take that first step. You are worth it.

Until Next Time~

Last night I crawled into bed after a very rough evening. A situation that beat me down; shattered my heart; made me question; made me feel “not good enough.”

Ever have this happen to you?

I pulled up the covers with tears running down my face. I tossed and turned all night long, finally deciding at 3 this morning that it was best to just get up and start the day.

I still am sitting here hours later; feeling torn. In fact, the girl with all the words, cannot even find the ones to describe it.

Here is what I am remembering this morning:

Life changes. People change. Some people bring out the worse in us or have a way to make us feel inferior.

We all make mistakes; daily. Day in, day out, we fail at something if we are trying at anything.

What I realized this morning is that certain things have to end. Certain chapters, certain relationship or friendships have to end. They cannot last forever.

Sometimes we have to put our own happiness at the top of our list; everyone deserves the chance to be truly happy.

I was reminded of how far I have grown. My weakness was winning for a period of time, I admit. I was beating myself up; believing I made wrong choices/decisions or that I’m failing my girls or that I’m a conceited woman. I began to think maybe I am not “good enough” or unworthy of real love or…..the list can continue for days.

I see now that I am strong enough & hold the power to not allow someone else to bring me down, make me feel “not good enough” or question who I am as a person.

I guess maybe it boils down to this: feel free to kick me down, but know that I will get back up. I won’t stay down.

Yes, I have moved forward from the past, the past failures & mistakes. I deserve happiness & love; I deserve a lifetime of laughs with those who truly know me & love me for that person; and you know what, I know I am worthy & that is not conceited that is self-confidence & self-love.

Chalk it all up to another lesson learned; another lesson in what I allow inside my head & my heart is ultimately my choice. I choose to only allow in the positive. I choose to move forward… I am not my past failures, mistakes, struggles or regrets. I am who I am today & who I will grow into tomorrow.

Until Next Time~

So it has been a while since I last posted! I have been changing things around here, making things new & mine.

Can I tell you in the past few weeks I have thought of a million topics or thoughts or questions even. Of course at the time I thought there was no way I would forget that great content.

Oops….

Anyway, lately I have been digging deep inside me to search for some answers. I was given the opportunity to be in an amazing mentoring program for my business. Yes, a group of us all pushing for the exact same goal with all the same passion. The light bulb moments I have experienced have been eye-opening.

Can I ask you a question? What holds you back from chasing your dreams?

Sure the thought of failing scares me, but do you know what holds me back even more than that? A fear of SUCCESS. Is that not crazy?

I also have had to wrestle with allowing lack of support on any level from some people in my life to not weigh heavy on my heart. Those moments you see them cheering on success of someone else in the same journey, but you are invisible. At times it is hard on me; I’ll admit it. I allow it to hold me back as I question myself as to who I am as a person that has created this environment.

But, it always comes back to the same thing when I evaluate.

The bravest, scariest & best thing I have even done for myself was the day I stood up. The day I said, “this is me.” The day I stopped allowing negative-minded people to bring me down. The day I walked away from those who judged. The day I realized if people did not care about my happiness, then they did not care about me.

I put myself out there for judgement every single day. It is scary. I share my successes & my failures. I know fully there are people that sit on their phones or behind a computer screen & criticize my thoughts, my pictures, and my body. I have been told I am obsessed as in a negative way. It has been implied that I should have “mom guilt” because how can I workout when my girls are there & I could be spending time with them? Not to mention, told that the only thing I care about is working out & nothing else matters.

I used to allow opinions about me to bring me down, allowed judgement to get to me. Now I realize that judgement says more about who it comes from than of me.

You will always be too much of something for everyone, right?

So, as I continue to evaluate myself & analyze what holds me back and what drives me forward, I see the best thing I can do is be my own biggest fan! If I believe in me, if I trust me, if I am willing to put in the work – I know I can accomplish any goal I set.

If you sit there someday & read my post & think about judging or criticizing, know this about me:

I am a mom who has always had her daughters at the top of her list and been their rock, their support, their biggest fan every single day; I am a woman who once struggled with self-confidence, body image & her weight; I am an athlete & a workout every day allows me to be me; I am a busy mom who finds peace during her workout; I am a mom who wakes up early for her alone time so that she can give to her children all day & evening; I am a mom who is showing her kids a healthy lifestyle; I am a woman obsessed with feeling comfortable in her own skin; I am a person who fails; I am a strong & stubborn woman who tries her damn hardest to do it all; I am a woman committed to her own personal growth daily; I am a person with a passion to help others live a more fulfilling life.

More than anything I am a mom who is trying her absolute hardest to be the best she can be in raising her two beautiful, amazing girls & praying daily she does not fail them!

Because I am crazy enough to believe in me, because I am my own biggest fan, I will no longer allow the unbelief or the hope of failure from outside sources to get to me or stop me.

What once held me back will now fuel me forward.

Do you know what holds you back? Think about it! That light bulb moment could change your future.

Until Next Time~ *krisha*