I am supposed to be out chasing down my goals this morning on a long training run. Instead, I am sitting at my kitchen table drinking my coffee (and my Energize) watching the storms arrive and pass by (so thankful for rain; it is beyond needed). I do not mind running in some rain, in fact I find it incredibly refreshing. Storms, however, not gonna happen.

I have been meaning lately to get back to posting on here more but to be honest, I am always so stumped on what to write about. I have found myself asking, “what do people want to read?” “What do others want to know?” Then, I respond with, “No, that is boring and no one cares.”

This morning I sat here watching the sky with my coffee and thinking about my journey and where I am standing right now. I was thinking about my struggles right now, my setbacks. I was thinking about what I needed to stay focused, to keep moving forward.

For whatever reason, it urged me to want to write. I started this blog two years ago for me. I started it for a place for me to share my story because I needed an outlet. I needed a place to write my words because sometimes I cannot vocally find my words to share how I feel but I can always seem to write. Writing has always been an outlet for me in every stage of my life.

I decided I am going to get back at it. Back to the reason I began writing here. For me. Because this is what I need for my journey. I need to write. I need to share my struggles and I need to celebrate my victories.

Currently, my marathon training has been a place of struggle for me. This goal is one where the only way for me to finish it is through a lot of personal growth. I want to share every mile along the way; the ones I fall flat on my face and the ones where I succeed. I need to write about those moments I want to quit and find a new goal.

So, I am back at it. Some of my posts will be about running, some about food, some about my biggest insecurities, some about my growth, some about my struggles of life after divorce.

I want a place to share it all. I am a believer that we all have a story to share that could help someone else. Sharing makes you feel extremely vulnerable which is a scary thing. But, I am okay with feeling uncomfortable, I crave being outside my comfort zone.

So, here goes nothing with my story. But for now, back to wait for the storm to pass.

Until Next Time~

Not recommended for the faint of heart.
Are you just a glutton for punishment?

Doesn’t that intrigue you? It draws you in & if you are anything like me, you have to test your limits. You have to see if it is as tough as they say & you need to see if you are tougher than that.

The Lake Michigan RTS 10k race just became my favorite.

Hands down the hardest race I have done aside from my full marathon.
Hands down the most fun I have ever had in a race.

My friend, Roberta & I decided to take it on together & for a change, this race we were going to stick together every step of the way.

Your first mile is on the road which leads you off into the woods for a trail run. The trail was narrow & windy & uphill. Somehow it felt like we never really went downhill, just up!

Eventually, we found the sunlight again as we transitioned to the sand. However, we had zero idea what the sand portion consisted of or how far we had to run in the sand!

We ran down the lakeshore for what felt like a far distance only to turn around & have to run past the point we entered the beach at! We could not decide to go shoes on or off so we kept them on….they were soaked! Oh but we laughed. We ran the beach like some crazy mamas giggling, singing our playlists & occasionally even dancing a bit to the tunes. At one point, I was laughing so hard I had to stop running; I could not breathe! Way too much fun!

We turned off the beach to see the dune we had to conquer next. We might have grumbled a bit, kind of considered ourselves pretty stupid for getting up early on a Saturday morning to do such “stupid stuff.” Yes, this was said as we continued to laugh!

As I approached the top of this dune, what appeared to be a nice man was sitting there on a four wheeler. As my head was not looking upwards yet, I heard him say, “Thanks for coming. Water is at the top.”

In my head I thought, “At the top????….What the…”

It was then that I lifted my head up to realize we had not even begun yet. I looked over to this man & responded with, “I don’t even really like you.” Of course, with a smile as I turned around to watch Roberta’s face look up!

We stood there chatting with the man for a minute before we climbed down the current dune in order to begin the real trudge uphill.

When I stood there looking at this dune, at first I began telling myself how hard this was going to be. We still had to run a few miles after this point. But I shifted my mindset mentally & actually smiled at the challenge.

Smiled. Because I knew I was stronger than this. Because how blessed was I to be out in the dunes running around like crazy with my best friend. Because my body can do this. Because I felt alive.

In the middle of the dune, I asked Roberta if she still loved me.
“Umm….no,” she responded.
“That’s okay, I know you’ll love me again soon.”

The crazy stuff I talk that girl into doing with me!

The view at the top was worth it!

Then….the downhill. A straight down drop; one of those lean backwards kind or you will be rolling head over heels all the way down!

From here it was back to the trails that again seemed all uphill with not much downhill action! In this part, I felt so strong. I felt confident. I felt sweaty. I felt sexy & beautiful. I felt like me.

Others were quitting, some walking every uphill slant we had. We pushed. We ran. We were stronger than we knew.

Finally, we made our way back out to the road where it was just under a mile left to run before we crossed the finish line on the most challenging feat but the most fun one too!

The two of us were smiling so big, we felt so alive & proud. It was the craziest & strongest endorphin high I have ever experienced in my life! We giggled like little girls, we would bust out in random laughter out of nowhere as an image or some part of the race came back in our minds.

It was awesome. I cannot wait to do it all over again. Roberta, you’re in next year again, right? She did stop hating me again, just as we crossed the finish line!

Until Next Time~

Does taking a trip down memory lane make you feel joy? Happiness?

Or the opposite? Regret? Sadness? Disappointment?

Every day I check out my Timehop app. As a mom, I love to see these older moments in time with my girls.

However, on my fitness journey the last few weeks it has been a struggle.

Last week I officially am back to marathon training; my journey to another 26.2 has begun.

One morning last week when taking that daily trip back in time thanks to this little app, I saw the day a year ago where I almost ran a mile in under 8 minutes, missing it by just a few seconds.

The thought of running this fast again seems impossible.

Because I am always real in my journey, a look back to two years ago, oh my abs! I can’t see my abs like that right now.

These small daily trips down memory lane are actually derailing me. They are planting little seeds in my mind filled with negativity.

“There is no way I can get back to that level.”

“I will never have abs like that again.”

I have allowed them to have the power to grow; I have been watering those seeds.

I’m done.

The person I was the first time I trained & ran a marathon is not who I am today. I was an incredibly broken woman. Almost every run I took was filled with tears. At times I thought I was running to an answer or a solution. Other times I felt as if I was just running away from life.

Either way, at that point in time, I was running to try to release the pain, the anger, the sadness, the hurt I was feeling. On those long distance running days, at the end after miles with tears, miles being lost in my own world, when I would end I would feel EMPTY.

It became a need for me. To reach that point. To get to EMPTY.

Looking back, I see now what I was truly running for. I was running to make the physical pain overpower the emotional pain; so even for a brief moment in time I could forget the emotions & focus on real, true physical pain.

Today, I am not that same person. In the past two years, I have walked through many life changes & different struggles that needed all my attention and focus; some causing me to put my long distance running on hold.

But, I am not that woman who runs because she is broken anymore. I run for more now.

Taking that time to look back to the broken woman pushing herself to feel physical pain more than the strength of her emotional pain is no longer serving me. It’s time to forget her.

Yes, I ran a marathon before, but this time is different.

This time will be different. I am a new person; a new woman who might still have cracks but is no longer completely broken.

This marathon is about more. It’s about my new fresh start in life. It’s about overcoming my fears. It’s about being willing to put myself out there & try knowing I could fall flat on my face. It’s about living life my way free of limits. It’s about facing challenges head on with a smile on my face. It’s about seeing how strong I really am.

It’s about running for joy, for love, for strength, for comfort, for inspiration. It’s about running because I can. It’s about running to prove I can do hard things.

Every distance I run will be brand new to me. There will be no more comparison to the older version of myself. Every time I get faster, I’m faster! This journey is different. This journey is about more. This journey I will grow in ways I do not see yet & there will be no looking back.
Photo credit:http://www.erinmariephotographymi.com/ 

I will share it all along the way; every time I fall short, every time I fall to the ground & every time I finish the goal.

I am writing a brand new chapter now & I can promise each page will be worth telling. I am a woman who took a dream, turned it into a goal & now has a plan to achieve it.

Until Next Time~

I cannot tell you the last time I was so excited to flip the calendar over to a new month.

Although, I will be the first to tell you that I am not sure where all 31 days of May went.

This morning I sit here writing down my goals for the month of June with a pit in my stomach. Why? Because I fell short in May.

Last night I crawled into bed feeling beyond exhausted & defeated.

If I was to be honest, for the past few weeks I have battled the old K. The K that used to get so stressed + overwhelmed. That same K was the one that filled her mind with these thoughts:

*You still didn’t get that done, you’re worthless.
*Your house is a mess, why can’t you keep up on that?
*You are always behind, you’re never good enough.

Although, I have had times of internal struggles I can also say that it turns out the new K is so much stronger than the old version.

I used to push myself to a high level of perfection. I used to think I had to have it all together perfectly. Turns out, I’m not perfect nor do I have it all together perfectly!

Now, at the end of the day I have learned to give myself just a little grace. A little pat on my own back, I guess. Instead of crawling into bed like I did for years telling myself all the ways I failed; now I tell myself what I did accomplish. I also evaluate myself on whether I kept my priorities straight in a day; such as family always staying number one & self-care being at the top as well.

This morning I walked around my messy home & observed it all: the piles of laundry folded & just waiting to return to their drawers, the dishes in the sink, the ironing waiting, the dusting that has not been done in months, the carpets that desperately need some TLC, the windows that need to be washed that also draw attention to the landscaping that needs some work & the deck needs to be re-stained.

Don’t forget the piles & bins full of clothes to be sold or donated that have been sitting there since winter.

Oh….oops…the winter stuff is still out taking up space as well.

But, over time I have come to accept during this time of year, some things are just going to be messy. I no longer expect myself to be any form of perfect or even close to it. I wake up around 4:15 every weekday morning to work on my health physically & mentally before the rest of my day begins. I drop my girls off to school & head to work. After work the evenings are packed coaching their teams, not just a spectator. On so many nights, I’m typically trying to call on the village needed to raise kids as one kid needs to be in one town 20 minutes away from the other at overlapping times for various activities & well, I’m not that good on my own (ha ha ha…it most definitely takes a village)!

To be honest, when I walk in my door on the weeknights after 8:30, I could care less about the carpet, or the dust, or the windows. My only focus is getting my girls to bed as quickly as possible & figuring out the plan for the next day. Then, after my legs are killing me I sit down to check in on my incredible coaches & challengers followed up by any Little League work that I need to complete for my position on the committee or the Girls on the Run liaison responsibilities!

This morning as I sit here reflecting about the flipping of the calendar, I’m thankful. This morning I have out a fresh sheet of paper & I’m writing down my personal & business goals for this new start! But, I am also incredibly grateful for all 31 crazy days in May. I made it through the responsibilities each day carried & although I fell short on some goals my daughter’s achieved many of their goals & have been shining every day. For any mom, that is what matters the most.

In  my mind, I always try to end any thoughts with a positive one! So, let’s talk about what was amazing in May because clearly it was NOT my housekeeping or organization skills!

We got to celebrate J as she turned 11! I believe you always have a piece of your daughter’s birthday cake! Our Girls on the Run season ended with such a wonderful Celebration 5k! Every single one of our girls crushed their run & finished with such smiles & were bursting with pride! I loved every second that I could keep up with J (which I did until about the last .25)!

So here is to June! The month that school gets out for summer! I feel like I need a nice glass of wine in my hand to cheers that sentence!

What are you most excited about for a new month?

Until Next Time~

Last night I found myself sitting in the audience of my daughter’s Fifth Grade Celebration. I could not help but wonder how that happened so fast? Wasn’t she just learning to read? Walk? Talk?

As I watched my daughter on stage singing every single word of every song never missing a single word, I smiled. As I watched her perform in the Spanish cultural dance, I smiled.

As I watched her perform with a handful of other students who have all earned a high number of belts for Recorder Karate, I smiled.

As I watched her receive an Artistic Excellence award, I smiled even though this one I knew of. As I watched her receive an Excellence in Coding for Computer Science, I smiled (the look on her face was priceless as we did not know this one was coming).

Then, as I watched her on stage as the concert wrapped up singing their final song, I almost had tears in my eyes. Okay….maybe I could have taken out the word “almost” in that sentence.

First of all, I shocked myself with how much I have changed. I was never a sentimental mom before; but now I find myself with tears all the time for my girls! Perhaps it is because I am so open to my feelings & thoughts now in my life & no longer tell myself I’m not allowed to feel something.

But, my tears were because of the pride I have in my daughter. She amazes me daily. I absolutely love how well-rounded she is in loving all different activities & opportunities as opposed to thinking she can only love sports or music or art, etc. She just loves it all. I say this as she is completely set on trying band next year in Middle School & this was something I never had on my radar for us!

But, I will encourage her & support her in every avenue she wants to journey down & I have zero doubt there will be many roads we will take.

Why? Because the girl is a student of life! She has such a drive!

She is always on the search for knowledge, regardless of the subject! This mama is always in observation mode watching her little mind hard at work! Not to mention, the times she pushes me to learn more, dig deeper, or look at something in a brand new way!

She is such a gift & I am her biggest fan taking it all in so closely & holding it all tight to treasure down the road.

I also could not get over taking pictures of her last night & looking at her face through my phone & suddenly realizing how much older she looks now! Really?? This is her & her best friend from Tee-ball to now!

For those of you who might think that having girls should allow for very easy picture taking….I cannot tell you how long or how many shots it took to get just one good picture to have! But, we giggled & really those are my favorite shots! Simply because, that is us & her giggle is one of my most favorite sounds in the world!

Keep shining, my J! I cannot wait to see what the next road has for you & I will be right there cheering you on always!

Until Next Time~

I get angry.

I have been accused of this often.

Tell me why is it wrong for women, specifically mothers, to take care of themselves?

Why am I judged as being selfish when I take the time to fill up my own dang cup? Why am I told I should have “mom guilt?”

Can you tell me what I am doing that is sending a poor message to my daughters? Can you tell me what I’m doing that is having a negative impact on the lives of those closest to me by being active, by reading personal development, by finding the time to be with others that lift me up?

Why does this world send a message that this is wrong? Why are we told that mothers need to take care of their family first & if, by chance, at the end of the day if there is anything left over inside of them, then they can take care of themselves. We all know at the end of the day, there is nothing left.

It’s such crap.

It’s a life I don’t want my daughters to live when they are grown women & possibly raising a family. I don’t want them to live with “mom guilt.” Just dumb.

I’m a woman. I’m a person. I’m a mom. A daughter. A sister. A partner. A friend. A coach.

But, I am here to tell you when I take care of the woman in me first I am a million times better at being a mom, a daughter, a sister, a partner, a friend, a coach, better at every role.

Have you ever been on an airplane? What do they tell you to do in an emergency? Do you put on your mask first or do you help the person sitting next to you first?

You put yours on first so that you CAN help take care of others.

Moms, this applies to life! Not just an airplane ride.

Taking the time away from the laundry or the cleaning or whatever else there might be is good for your soul. Go do something to fill up your cup so that when the time comes that you need to pour from it, there is something in there to pour!

No, this is not the way I have always lived my life. I once thought everyone needed to come first in my life. I was at the bottom of the list. All that did was tear me down, made me feel like I was constantly failing because nothing was ever caught up or “good enough.” I spent so many years not even knowing who I was. The only identity I gave myself was a mom. I never thought of myself as being a woman too. A woman with needs or desires or goals. I was simply not important. The part that really tore me down was that as I tried to hard to take care of everyone else & fill their cup, no one filled mine.

That is a life I will never return to.

My laundry pile can stay where it is at times & the dishes can sit in the sink for a few more hours. My notifications on my phone can be turned off. The vaccum does not have to run. I will continue to create the time in my life to meet friends for a glass of wine simply because it is good for my soul & it builds me up or allows me to release any stress or frustrations.

The girls & I will enjoy a “girl day” without stressing about what I should be doing or even what they should be!

I will walk down to my workout space every day or head out for a run knowing that I could be there finishing up my ironing. I know once I am done, I will have the energy & a clear mind to tackle whatever needs to be done.

I will curl up at night with my personal development book because my life has changed since making this a part of my every day. I read books to improve me, I read books that help me with my biggest insecurities, I read books that help me be a better mom, I read books that help me be a better health + fitness coach. Everyone around me benefits, not just me.

I will continue to explain & setting the example to my girls that everyone needs time to themselves to grow as a person, to do things they enjoy. There are times now where my J will look at me and say, “mom, you really need to go out for a run. You’re cranky.”

She sees it! She knows it! She can tell I need some time for me!

I live every day wanting to fill up everyone’s cup around me. As a health + fitness coach, it is my goal. If I do not take some time out of my days to fill up my own cup, I cannot achieve my goal to fill up yours.

I pray my daughters grow up to believing in taking time for themselves. I pray they do not fall into the trap of believing they have to be last on their list of priorities. I pray they take the time every day to grow & feel amazing.

My hope for you, mom, is that you let go of mom guilt & find a way to take care of you; to embrace the woman you are. Do you like to run? Great, train for a race. Do you like wine? Great, grab your bestie & go to the winery. Do you like to read? Great, hit up your library & grab some good reads. Do you like to watch sports? Great, do it. Do you like to scrapbook? Great, find a retreat.

Whatever it is that will allow you some time for just you that you enjoy, do it. At the end, you will feel refreshed, energetic, your heart & soul will feel filled again. “Mom guilt” is a thing I hope I never hear again. I hope it is something you never feel.

Take care of you. Put your mask on first. Fill your cup all the way to the top.

Until Next Time~

In last week’s post I wrote about how life has taught me to never fear a brand new starting line. I wrote that a few days before I stepped up to the starting line of a half-marathon that I had not trained for.

The morning of the race, I awoke to a super early alarm with a smile. I simply smiled as I said to just myself, “I’m gonna finish 13.1 miles today.”

Finish. I didn’t say run. I refused to put pressure on myself for this one to run a certain pace or to even run every step of it. All I wanted to do was cross one line & then the other & the mission was the enjoy the distance between the lines.

Before I walked to the starting line, I got kisses from both of my girls! I have never had them there before at the start of a long race.

As I began to cover the miles, I realized how strong I felt.

I realized how much I was falling in love again.

I realized how blessed I am as one foot continued to go in front of the other.

I looked around me & thought about how I was running a race tied directly to my heart’s passion. My mission in life: empowering women.

One of my absolute highlights was when I saw her. This woman, in her late 70s, that I ran a few miles with in last year’s race & even wrote about her on  my blog. The same woman I found on the course of my October Grand Rapids half marathon while she was running the full marathon! There she was. All these runner out here & I look up & spot her. This time, I took the chance to chat with her.

I ran up next to her side & asked if she ran this race last year. Upon her confirmation, I proceeded to tell her how much she inspired me that day, again in October when I spotted her & now today. I expressed I have thought about her many times when out on a run.

I am not sure why this woman was placed on my heart a year ago & why in the middle of races of a couple thousands running, she always crosses my path.

Once I hit mile eleven, I began to feel a tad tired; a little bit like hitting “the wall.” But, I still felt good. There was no point I felt miserable.

I was out there in the middle of other women just moving forward. I enjoyed the scenery, the signs. I laughed with the spectators, every once in a while asking if they were ready to be tagged in yet. I went out of my way to give the kids watching high fives or some knuckles.

Those last two miles I began to be that voice every runner needs to hear. As some began to slow down or walk, as I ran past I gave them words of encouragement. Simple reminders that they could finish this, that really we are almost there, that it was such a gorgeous morning for a run, and to not quit now because we had come this far. Some of these women came back & passed me after cheering them on & I cheered them on again as they disappeared ahead.

A few times when I wanted to quit, I touched the necklace laying on my chest. I have never worn a necklace running before but that morning I knew I had to this time. This necklace was a gift to me for reaching a goal, a milestone, in my business. It was personalized to my “why,”my girls. I knew when I touched it that quitting would never be an option because no matter what, those girls are always watching me & cheering me on. They are my biggest fans & I am theirs.

I turned the last corner & began to look for where my girls were standing. This was going to be the race I made this happen. I did not care how much longer it took, I was not going to cross the finish line without my girls. I grabbed them & their eyes lit up that they needed to help me cross!

We grabbed hands & off they went! I had to pull them back a little reminding them that mom had already traveled thirteen miles & I really needed their help for the last part! As we crossed together, I had a giant smile & tears in my eyes & a feeling I cannot put into words.

This race opened up my heart again to running. This race made me truly see who I am today.

After the race as I began to see pictures that photographers had taken out on the course. As I looked at them there was only one thing I could see and every time I look at them tears come to my eyes.

What do I see?

A woman just filled with joy & in love with her life.

A picture can tell us so much & here they tell a story of a woman enjoying life; every minute of it, in the uphills & the downhills.

At first I did not recognize her, I questioned if it was really me. But, when I looked again I knew it was more me than I have ever been.

Again as I begin to sign off here, my eyes are filled with tears.

Until Next Time~

I tried.

I tried so many times.

For three  months I tried to start again.

For the past few months, I would tell myself daily, “Today is the day I start again. I will start training. I will begin running again.”

After my last half-marathon in October, I had to break-up with running for a bit. I was beginning to hate it & my body was weak. I needed to change my daily routine. I need to get stronger.

Then I would lace up & begin. One foot in front of the other. But I always quit before the goal for the day, usually only a mile or two in.

I hated it.

Every damn step of it.

The other night, I headed out promising I would not return until I hit three miles even if I walked half of it.

Like in the past, I got lost that evening. Lost in my run. Whenever I get lost out there, I always find the answer regardless of what the question is.

The answer: I felt like a failure; I was afraid to start again.

You see, I had taken such a long break from running that I was a beginner again. I felt like two years ago when I started the spring with a 10k but ended the year with a full marathon.

Starting all over again is hard. I was mad at myself that I had quit for so long that I was back at the start working up to an easy three miles. I was afraid I could not do it again.

Yes, I know….if you did it once you can do it again. But, I’m not the same woman who laced up a pair of running shoes in 2014 & accomplished what I believed to be impossible. That girl was broken.

When I put my pieces back together, I put them back differently this time. The run doesn’t have to give me what it gave me then.

But, running has taught me so much over the years. One big thing it has taught me is to never fear a brand new starting line.

Every single time you step up to that line, you grow. You are giving yourself a chance to fail but also to win. Life is full of brand new starting lines and every time you begin there is no way of knowing if you’re gonna fall flat on your face or stand tall in victory.

I will always take the chance to stand at that line with the butterflies in my stomach, the adrenaline running through my body & the curiosity of what will happen once you cross the line.

So, maybe I do feel like a brand new runner again; maybe I do need to build back up one mile at a time. But, I am no longer afraid to start over. I don’t feel shame in beginning again.

In fact, this journey to 26.2 excites me. I wonder what I will learn about myself this time.

Until Next Time~

Last night I headed out on my run during my 60 minutes of free time. I used to have two hours but due to my daughter’s nightly medical regimen, I have to pick up my girls early from church.

So these 60 minutes fly by.

I laced up my shoes. Yes, I could have drove home and rushed around washing dishes, doing laundry or packing lunches.

But, I need this time. So, I laced up my running shoes.

My tunes play. My phone notifications get turned off. This is for me.

This run was different. This run I crashed. This run I cried.

I got lost as I put one foot in front of the other. I joke that I can often find the answers to life’s biggest questions while out on a run.

This time, I cried as I thought about how lucky I am to be able to be active. To be healthy, to have a body that moves.

I cried for my daughter as I questioned why simple things are so hard for her to do. The simple functions that we take so much for granted.

I have never had to think about how to eat. No one needs to teach me how to breathe. My body knows when I have to go to the bathroom.

Simple functions that I have never had to think about are so hard for others.

I train for marathons, others train how to function.

Others cannot even move their legs.

Mine have ran 26.2 miles before and will again.

So I cried. I cried for so many.

But, as a mom, I cried for my daughter. As a baby, from 6-8 months old, she had to go to the feeding clinic for therapy because she was not swallowing correctly due to her reflux and would choke all the time.

Then, she went through over six months of physical therapy from age 5-6 years old for her lack of nerves working prior to having to turn to surgery. We went a few times a week and she worked so hard but could not get her body to function correctly. I was crushed when her therapist told me there was no point in continuing because we were not making any progress and I had such high hopes.

Now, this week after exploring more of her asthma symptoms, we were told she has something called Vocal Cord Dysfunction that can make it difficult to breathe during activity. She has also complained of chest tightness so they want to run an echocardiogram to ensure there are no other concerns other than VCD and asthma. She will now return back to physical therapy to learn how to breathe correctly.

I was given a body that can move, can run; a healthy body. To not use it, to let this gift not be utilized would be such a waste.

When I get tired, I will run for those that can’t. For those that struggle with the simple functions that my body does not have to think to do, those functions that simply come natural to me, I will run.

I will run for my daughter. I will run for my buddy, Kingsley. I will run for those that cannot. When I get tired, I will push on. I’m blessed with a healthy and able body and I refuse to let this gift go to waste.

Until Next Time~