When I write, I find out things about myself I didn’t realize. I just wrote an opening sentence and it slapped me across the face because it was not reality.

This will be my third year I have sat down to write a blog post at the end of the year to share what I have learned.

This year will be my best yet. The amount of growth I experienced in the past year is almost hard to comprehend. I used to think “self-help” books were a joke and self-care when you were a mom was something put on the back burner until you had an empty nest years down the road.

This year I learned about myself. I am fully aware of my weaknesses and have learned to embrace them. I have learned my strengths and how to use them to help others. I have learned that a good mom does not mean a clean house but in fact, means being present with her children. Laundry can wait…well, to an extent…until mom doesn’t have any clean workout clothes that is!

I have learned about love. There is a love out there for everyone, a love that fully accepts you just the way you are. A love that loves your madness and thinks your flaws are perfect. A love that can read you as if the words are written across your forehead, a love that will not let you hide anything. A love that makes you a much better version of you.

Love was the theme, but the biggest growth came down to self-love.

As I approach 2017, I fully love every piece of me….and y’all, I’m messed up!

I struggled growing up, in college and then as a mom with body image. I spent the majority of my life feeling self-conscious, looking in the mirror and picking apart every single thing wrong with me, which seemed to be everything.

My growth is shown right here. The old me would be sitting here wishing she was just like this K in this picture from a few years back. 

Sure, she looks great on the outside and appears to be beaming with happiness and confidence. But, like a book, don’t ever judge it by the cover. She was broken. She lost weight because she was barely eating a thing and was training for a marathon. She was damaging her body daily with little nutrition but yet glasses of wine nightly. That smile was hiding so much and I never want to be like her.

My body is far from perfect. In fact, it’s pretty much messed up. You all know my love for my “tree trunk legs” but let’s talk about my deformity! I mean, I have always HATED my feet. You are way more likely to catch me in some Sketcher Go Walks in the summer than a pair of flip-flops. But, now, it’s legit deformed and causing me so many issues and struggles daily. But, it’s me. It is a part of me, the body I was given to live my life in.

A few years ago, I had to have a pretty extensive repair on my shoulder in two different areas. This drives me nuts, or used to…but my upper body is literally lopsided. Can you see how much higher the one shoulder is compared to the other? This is how it healed and despite the doctors telling me it would be good as new post-surgery, it is not and there are many things I loved to do that I can’t and as for push-ups….those don’t work well either.

Now, we can talk about the mama pouch that just never looks the same again. We can talk about the stretch marks and the cellulite because I wear it all. We can chat about the many signs of losing weight and regaining weight in my horrible cycles since my college years. We can talk about the rolls that multiply when I bend over or sit down. Let’s talk about the curves I once despised that now I embrace.

I will gladly share because I love it all. It’s me. It is my 36-year-old body, it’s the life I have lived so far.

Now do not get me wrong here; you can LOVE your body – and work for it to be better. I believe we were made to move, we were made to be active. My body is where I have to live my life and I want it to be strong, physically able to do anything and healthier every day.

The tag in my pants does not drive me. The size of my shirt does not either. Right now, what keeps me going is knowing that getting to a healthier weight can possibly help some of my pain and symptoms from my foot up to my hip.

So, in 2017 I will continue to practice self-love and self-care daily. The message I want my girls to observe daily is just that: love yourself. Love all there is about you; the imperfectly perfect you that God created.

My theme for 2017 is growth. Growing a little bit every single day not just with love inside me, love around me, but a LOVE for LIFE.

Cheers to you as you ring in a brand new year. May your 2017 be filled with memories to cherish, love everywhere and a passion for your life.

Until Next Time~

In the past, I have always allowed the stress of this time of year to completely win in the battle against me. The overwhelmed feeling, the feeling that it was not going to get all done, the stress of the mile long lists of things to do.

This year, as the holiday season approached I made one promise to myself.

NOT THIS YEAR.

This was going to be the year that I did not let the hustle & bustle of the holidays completely take me over. I was going to stay focused on what mattered.

You see, I always tried so hard to make this time of year PERFECT for everyone. Everyone. But, for me, I literally was kicking the crap out of myself & clarity was gone.

I lost sight of what mattered the most. I thought perfection was what counted. A PERFECT holiday for everyone. But, the way I was measuring this perfection was based on the wrong things. 

Over the past year & a half, I have really dove head first into personal development with the goal of real, true personal growth. The growth that requires being in the trenches & digging yourself out.

This season I can see the type of growth that I was striving for.

My goal this holiday season is to love others; it is not about stressing myself out over the absolute perfect gift & it is NOT about the pretty bow I tie on their gifts. It’s about being present. Stopping in the moments to enjoy those around me, to enjoy the magic of the season, to feel the love I am surrounded by.

Yes, I only have one more day before the Christmas parties begin. No, I don’t have all my gifts purchased & I am waiting to see when some will finally arrive.

But, this year, the stress will not win. I promised myself to remember what really matters & it is not the perfect bow or the cleanest house or the best dish at the party.

It is about being present regardless of just how imperfect you are. It is about pouring love into others, but guess what?

You must also pour love into yourself. I promised myself I would not lose sight of that because when I do, nothing in my life works right; nothing.

Now, for an evening with a few items on my “to do” list mixed with some items to make sure my cup stays full too.

Until Next Time~

For months, I have started every workout with some fear. Fear of more damage. Fear of pain. Fear of never recovering.

Now, I have an answer to my pain. If you missed my post yesterday on social media I have what is called cavus foot. Basically, I was born with extremely high arches. Over time my foot has developed a deformity from it that causes me to walk very much on the outside of my foot. When standing my doctor could see signs of this condition all the way up to my knee. Related to this deformity is several muscle & tendon issues in my leg explaining so much of what I have been experiencing.

Step one is trying custom orthotics to see if they will relieve my pain. If they do not, surgery can happen but is pretty involved between the bones in my foot & lengthening my calf muscle. But, the positive is that I cannot do more damage. I have zero restrictions now & the doctor told me I can do whatever I would like as long as I can handle the pain.

So, this morning I felt like a brand new person! It felt like it was a brand new journey but this time, not because I’m re-starting because I haven’t quit, but because I finally know what I’m up against! I didn’t have to operate with fear of hurting myself further or questioning what caused it in the first place.

I felt fearless again as I pushed as hard as I could & in the moment I felt free. I felt like me

Today I began a new round of my latest workout program! I was very happy with my first round of 30 days while being on such big restrictions so now I want to see what I can accomplish, but still listening to my body, obviously.Of course I debated about waiting until after the Holidays. But, I decided to start now. Why wait? I know committing to this now will help me stay on track without lame excuses for the next two weeks. Starting now will give me a much better balance over the holidays as opposed to allowing myself too many temptations! For me, I know not being fully focused for the next two weeks will set my progress back much further than just two weeks. I know me.

I am going all in & going all out with sharing this journey fully here so stay tuned to how things are working & what I am eating; my struggles & my victories.

I am promising full disclosure & complete transparency in my journey. These pictures will show you very soon how I am doing.

Until Next Time~

I was fighting. I was fighting through hurdles. I was fighting through pain. I was fighting through fatigue. I was fighting her.

I found myself fighting with tears mixing with my sweat. They came out of nowhere. I was lost in the moment. Lost in the fight.

The last time I completed this workout was 23 days ago. I was weaker then, not just physically, but also mentally.

Today, I gave it all, I had to fight harder.

Perhaps I was fighting through frustration. I am an athlete & incredibly competitive & I don’t half-*ss anything. But, since August, I have been held back. It’s like I have a rope tied around my waist & I keep getting pulled backwards. I can’t “do me” like I am used to, like I want too. For at the very minimum, that rope is around me for four more weeks.

That rope can pull me back, but I don’t have to let it win.

There are times during my workouts, where I have to stop & walk it “off” or take deep breaths through pain. It is a physical struggle…but mentally, the struggle is so much greater than the physical one.

Like any journey in life, hurdles have a tendency to make us stop. We see it in front of us & are so afraid of what will happen if we try to jump it that instead, we just stop. I fight this hurdle daily.

Today, I still had that hurdle, in fact more than the other days this week. But, this time, I was different. This time I was lost in the fight; not stuck on the hurdle.

I was fighting. I was fighting to be stronger than yesterday. I was fighting through my weaknesses.

I was fighting her. The old me. The one that would have allowed the hurdle to stop me. The one that would have allowed the excuses to win. The one that would have given up because it was hard. 

I was so lost in the emotions of the workout that I was crying through it in a way I have only ever experienced one other time in my life.

I won. I beat her. The progress I have made in the past 25 days is not something I can explain to you. I’m not even sure I fully can comprehend it myself.

All I know, is that whatever hurdle jumps in my way, I will rise above it because today, I am stronger than I was yesterday.

Until Next Time~

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” — Coach John Wooden

I saw this quote the other day & it hit me. I know my perception has been wrong lately. I have spent too much time focusing on what I cannot do. I have allowed the frustration to win. I have been staring out the window & the most gorgeous November weather I can recall in Michigan & only seeing it for what I could not do, which was lace up & head out for a run.

I was feeling stuck. I was struggling looking in the mirror. I was struggling in many areas of life.

I had one of those talks with myself acknowledging where I was & asked myself the hard questions. The hard questions led me to my new goals. The hard questions allowed me to see how much power I was giving to my excuses.

That punched me in the gut. I prefer to live my life with my effort always rising above my excuses.

It was time to change it up a little! Last week I played around with a few of the workouts in my new program to see if I thought I would be able to do them enough to commit to the program with my team. I was honestly amazed at how much I could do in the workouts & when there is a move I cannot do, I drop down into a plank instead.

On Monday I officially began this thirty-day program along with our incredible group of coaches + challengers totaling over 200 people! Together sharing our journey; what momentum to be a part of!

This morning I woke up & for the first time in a while, I felt great! I felt like I was finally beginning to lean out again. I knew getting back to basics on  my nutrition & tracking was paying off. I felt motivation to hit play again today, to do it immediately. I am already down over four pounds in a week!

No, my journey isn’t perfect. But, I don’t think any journey is.

The climb to the top of a mountain does not come without slips & falls. But, the one thing I can say is that after every slip life has brought my way, I have never given up. I have never said I quit for now, I will try in a few months when life gets easier or less hectic. I have never climbed back to the bottom of the mountain.

Through divorce, through learning how to be on my own, through Laynee’s medical trips, hospital stays with her + surgeries being all alone, through learning how to let someone into my life again, through injuries, through LIFE….I have always fought.

Now, it’s time for me to jump out of my own way again & look forward. The top of the mountain might be a long journey, but I have always enjoy adventures and a good challenge!

Until Next Time~

The reality is that I need to focus on what I can control. What I can control right now is the food choices I make. I am striving towards my year-end resolution goal of losing fifteen pounds. There is no waiting for a New Year’s resolution for this mama.

I used to have a million excuses about why I could not meal prep. I didn’t have time to spend doing it. I didn’t know what would sound good. I wasn’t a good planner. It’s too complicated.

To sum it up, I spent time making excuses, stressed myself out so many days, wasted money on food, spent time running to pick up pizza because the thought of having to figure out what to eat was just “too much.”

Sunday I came home from the grocery store, blasted some tunes & went to work.

I rocked it out with 90% of my cart coming from the perimeter. I mean coffee + tea  are usually in an aisle somewhere!

I refused to even allow my fruit or veggies to make their way into the fridge. They sat on the counter & I went to work on cleaning & cutting. Let’s be honest, when you’re hungry & you look in the fridge & the carrots are unpeeled in the bag inside the crisper, you are NOT going to eat a carrot in that moment!

Also included in my meal prep
* hard boiled eggs done in the oven* overnight oats
* grapes cleaned
* carrots & celery cleaned & cut
* salad items ready to grab

I asked the girls what they wanted for breakfast for the week & I quickly received the answer, “Egg cups!”

These are so easy to make & so easy to warm up in the morning! I do a variety of different options for everyone’s taste. This time I forced the girls to try one with spinach in it. They both confirmed they could not taste it & I am now able to always include it! We also have onion & venison sausage in each one while some have cheese on top for Miss Bear.

One more item my girls are obsessed with came from 100 Days of Real Food newest cookbook, Fast & Fabulous! It’s her Veggie Cream Cheese & my girls love this for veggie dip! You can also use it as a sandwich spread for lunches with some cucumbers cut up on your bread – yum!

The music was pumping. The pre-workout was hitting my system. The shoes were tied up and ready to go.

But, I stopped. I knew deep down I was fighting a mental block that I needed to work through.

I knew I needed to stop the slip downhill. I was not willing to allow myself to go backwards.

There was a time in my life….honestly the majority of my almost thirty-six years… where I truly wanted to vomit as I looked in the mirror. Yes, my self-esteem was that low. I used to believe the way my body was built was ugly: short, stocky, wide. I would look in the mirror and point out all the things that were wrong, all the things I hated about the view I could see.

Over the past year & a half, I have really worked on self-love. I have learned to accept my body; even all the visible signs of two pregnancies, weight loss & gain over the years, and the years I’ve traveled so far.

One difference in my life now, is that I have someone who I cannot sneak anything past. I have someone who is so in tune with me that I am quickly called out on things before I even realize I am doing them. This was a gift to me; this allowed me to stop & switch directions.

I was going backwards on my self-esteem. Instead of filling my heart & mind with the positives & the things I loved about me & my body I was focusing on the negatives. The old me was sneaking back inside my head.

This morning I had to do some reflection. I had to figure out why I was starting down this track. I forced  myself to sit down & talk to myself as a best friend & tell myself all the beautiful things about me.

You know, I’m normal. My journey is just like yours. I still find myself at times fighting those inner struggles, those horrible habits that I had for the majority of my life.  Like any journey we embark on in life, there are hills to climb, there are valleys so low we wonder how to get out. There are times the exhaustion is so great that we don’t feel we can possibly take one more step. Moments where we reach a fork in the road & we have to make that decision to turn right or left: choices.

I made the choice today to do whatever I needed to do to work through this. I knew if I did not stop it, it would turn into a snowball rolling down the hill getting bigger & bigger with every flip. I’m not sure why sometimes we lose sight of our own magic, but I think it’s important to know how to find it again.

No, I am not perfect. Yes, I struggle. No, I don’t quit. Yes, daily I have to fight. No, this is not easy. Yes, it’s worth it.

The hard is worth it. I’m worth it. I’m worth loving myself wherever I might be on this journey.

Until Next Time~